Thursday, March 24, 2011

10 things not to say {part 2}

I am doing a second installment of "what not to say" after the huge hit my "what not to say to a new mom/first time mom" I really felt like I had to post one of what not to say to some one TTC {trying to conceive} just to avoid anything in the near future.

I google'd it, & got some of the exact stuff I have already have experience either before Kennedy, after I found out I may not be able to carry, & just yesterday after my post.

I will say I know all that has been said I know was not done in malice or ill-willed. But, if you really don't know what to say the best thing to say is "I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you.  Let me know if there's anything I can do."

On to the list, in no particular order.

{1.} you need to relax!
The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly.  I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.

Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me.  Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way. & mine is unexplained at that. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?
When TTC Kennedy, I wasn't ovulating; that has nothing to do with relaxing!
Also, although I have a problem getting pregnant, my biggest problem is I can't stay pregnant.

{2.} This applies to right now.. You already have one, be thankful
I have & will never ever lose sight of what a miracle Kennedy is, but that doesn't take away from the hurt that we may not be able to have another & that we have a strong desire to have another.

{3}  You want kids?  Please, take mine! {or you don't want more than one anyway}
I get it raising kids is hard. I already knew this. & no I don't want yours, I want my own; hence the ongoing trying & charting & OPKs ect ect.
or when I am with a friend with her kids & they act up "you WANT this?"
{4} Oh your still young, it'll happen.
I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen? Can you guarantee me ovulating this month? can you guarantee I will carry this one to term? 
{5.} I wish I had that problem!
So you're...what?  Hyperfertile?  There are things you can take for that, you know.  Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.
{6.}  There are too many people in the world anyway.
Thank you for that, if I do get pregnant I will make sure to kill myself right away to even things out.
{7.} If it's meant to be it will happen.
While, I say this. It instantly hurts when someone else does, cause its like saying I wasn't meant to the have another child, while I have a strong feeling in my heart I was meant to be a mom..of more than one child.
{8.} There is probably a reason for it.
What my baby is going to be the next hilter? 
{9.} Do you really want to be pregnant, it sucks {go thru another rough pregnancy} 
My dr actually had the nerve to say that to me.
All I can about this is, with every complication besides pre-term labor I loved going thru, that is why I think being pregnant after a struggle is so different {my blogger friend Holy, put it into term perfectly HERE} morning sickness in my mind = im STILL pregnant, & my baby is growing! The heartburn,back pain, uncomfortable-ness, weight gain I LOVED; & would do again in a heart beat.
{10.} "I know what you mean, with our first one it took 2 months to get pregnant."
even if we get pregnant right away since my dr SAYS my fertility should be tip-top after bug, I still sigh at the fact how long it took us to get Kennedy.
Like I said above if your not sure what to say, I honest think the best thing to say {to me} is really just "man, this just plain sucks"
I hope this post will help not only those who have heard these things, but those who are trying to support loved ones going through this.


  1. Thank you for this!! I just spent the evening being asked "when will you have kids?, You guys should start having kids, Holy, take yourt time already...etc"

    Inside I am screaming, if they only knew would they still cast thier judgement? Would they still bombard me with awkward questions that I simply cannoy answer. How can people be sooo nosey, they obviously don't know this hurt, this emptyness...

  2. oh ashley,
    you just break my heart.

    you know im always here to talk, I know you not all that open with your struggle but you can be with me.

    people just don't realize sometimes the hurt that can come with their words.

    praying for peace for you!

  3. Tara,

    I don't know you personally, but wow do I think I would like to! You amaze me with your strength and brutal honesty. If my prior post offended, please accept my deepest apologies. Good luck and God bless!

  4. gee thanks :) , & you in no way offended me!

  5. Thanks for posting this Tara! I've probably said half of these things, so I appreciate hearing your perspective and learning from it. But honestly, what DO I say?


shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)


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