pre halloween!

2:37 PM
I am here, barely but i am here!
I have a whole post about our little gummie bear to tell you about, if you follow me on twitter tho you already know!
But for right now here are some picture of my buggy-butt from over 2 weeks ago! 
They aren't edited so bare with the quality but I dont have time to edit my photography images let alone mine! 
I preordered this outfit in July & got it at the end of August & couldnt wait to get her in it!

pregnancy loss

1:02 PM
So I am writing this from a hospital bed.
Yeah I got admitted for not holding anything down for over 48 hours, so they pumped me up with meds & IV.
But I really wanted to get this post in.
Today is National Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day
As most of you know I have lost two angel babies
I  think about them each & everyday
I will never understand the common why me?
The doctors tell me my problem which they have no name for that my body just rejects pregnancies
& is constantly trying to get rid of them.

I am so lucky to have my "rainbow" baby & be able to carry to term
as so many have not.
pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject
No one knows what to say or seems to say always say the wrong thing
i.e."there was probally something wrong, it was probally for the best"
Just my openness about my miscarriages since becoming pregnant with Kennedy has opened up SO many conversations with my peers. I get messages of women that have silently going thru one, or have just gone thru one for just a ear to listen.
& with that I am grateful.

But today I want to remember my babies.
although their time with me was short, they will forever be in my heart.

I remember like it was yesterday 2 years ago sitting in my hospital bed, as I am now hooked to all sorts of stuff. I was less than 100 pounds & the dr came in & told me my body was completely shutting down. It had nothing left to give to me, let alone my baby. He talked about the abortion, he is not a advocate but he told me I was going to die & I wasn't far enough along for the baby to survive & it was like a bullet. It was out.of.the.question.Like in this post; I had just gotten used to the fact that i was pregnant & I was starting to love this little bitty inside of me. & then days later it was all gone, I remember coming out of my D&C & feeling so empty. & wondering how I could feel that way instantly.

I struggled each & everyday with my thoughts of non-happiness & months later I got another positive pregnancy test, then 2 days later I started bleeding. Brandon rushed me to the ER we did an ultrasound & got my beta. I was to return in 48hrs to get another so I did. I remember trying to get my results wasa nightmare until I walked into the main hospital receptionist desk & demanded them. I got the paper. & walked out. I started opening it slow, but fast if that makes sense & I read it. 7. I dropped to my knees in the middle of the parking lot & just sobbed as people walked around me. I was miscarrying again laying in bed bawling, curled in a ball of pain of the most painful cramps I have experienced, I knew for sure that God was angry with me for my thoughts. I have worked thru most of them now.Finding bit of gratefulness in my journey into becoming a mother. Like said messages & thankfulness that comes with little things that "most" mothers may be less Patience with.

Brandon always says how he just wants to forget. I know that I can't. Even if they were only with me for 12 & 6 weeks I will always remember them. & always take extra time to remember them on this day.

Dear Lord,
I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me? 


11:23 AM
I have absent from the blog world.
I am still reading tho!
I got a email from one of my favorite bloggers that I really considered a friend
after my last post
The email went into how ungrateful I am & how could I complain about being sick after wanting this for so long
Let me first go on by saying
I am not sick, like "oh I puked this morning..
oh I feel nauseous"
my ass if puking 40+ times a day
I want you to go puke 40 xs a day 
& not feel entitled to vent a little on the one place you can actually vent
in the pros of this, YES yall i know this means my  baby is growing I get that
but when you are throwing up chunks of acid, & dry-heaving
all the while trying to take care of a 10-month old, babysitting & running your business 
it gets hard
really hard
when i was sick & much more sick with kennedy I could just stay in bed; but i can't.

I don't know why, & trust me this past week I have begged & bawled to god & my husband
why does this have to be SO HARD for me. this one aspect of my life that I want so bad has to be hard, when it seems like every other woman/teenage can get pregnant & have this easy pregnancy but
I want to be able to get pregnant & be happy & excited. instead of being scared & having to worry 24/7.

But...I learned that i was getting no where with that whoa-is-me sob story about myself, & brandon reminded me how much more grateful it makes us & so thankful.

He is right.. but dang it I just want to complain for a second.
Excuse me while i go barf.

{more pleasant post coming}


4:12 PM
I hate that I haven't updated!
I am so sick, not to the extent as past pregnancies but its up there
Friday night I started up bleeding again..& like ew gross glup thing
I was terrified.
Dr said if i went thru one pad in an hour to go to the ER ASAP.
well i didn't but i did notice the more active i was/on my feet the more blood I would have
so he told me to stay off my feet.. yeah I had a wedding the next day not possible.
& being the photographer I was on my feet around 12 hours that day
& the next day we had a birthday party & a session
I has nervous since my nauseousness was dwindled down to like nothing
I was afraid that on Friday that was more than just "over doing it"
but here i am today puking 4 times a hour
litterly so weak
brandon tried to get me out of the house & took me to lunch & walmart
he ended up having to carry me inside the house when we were done
so here i sit; trying to get discs burned & blog a little.
I have a destination wedding this weekend in Tennessee
the bride & groom are paying for not only me but the hubs & kennedy too!
gas,food & lodging plus my wedding fee
so i really want to feel better by then!
my mom offered to keep kennedy which would be super helpful
but that long away from me is freaking me out.
never ever been more than 24 hours away from here..
we will see!
hopefully my next post will be less sick-y! :(