my heart

11:43 AM
**Side note: Hello to all my family & friends from home, after going back & fourth with making this blog public to family & friends I decided to take the plunge after going on almost 3 years now! This blog has been my safe haven for a long time, its been my diary, its gets very personal, very raw & somethings you may not care to read about, read at your own risk ;) ; I have nearly 200 readers, & even was featured in a magazine. I hope you all enjoy, cause frankly I cant keep up with two blogs anymore haha **

Recently I had taken the girls, & my niece who was staying with us at the time {whole post in itself} to the park! They were playing great! There is a huge pirate ship & bug hadn't seen anything like that before, it was like her own "bucky" {that was a jake & the neverland pirates reference in case you were wondering} 

Then some older girls came along, I would guess they were 7-9? My niece JJ, takes alot better to older girls then younger cause of her older sisters.
They started playing & bug was right there trying to keep up & be a big girl! Then the older one started saying "oh my gosh that baby wont leave us alone" then other one said "go away baby, guys RUN!" then they would run up to her and say " GO AWAY BABY, EWWW" then run away & repeating. I am sitting next to the mother wondering HOW she is letting her girls do this.

My Kennedy is SO extremely tender hearted. VERY much like me & her feelings can get hurt so easily. If she is being naughty, we can simply say kennedy you are being mean. & her whole world come crashing down & she puts her hands to her face & sobs. So when these little girls were doing that to her she litterly stood there heartbroken.

& in that instant, I was introduced to a all new part of motherhood. My heart broke with her. I felt exactly what she was feeling. It was like the little girls were being mean to me. I looked over at the mom one more time in hopes that she would discipline her girls. But she didn't. Finally they went under the ship, Kennedy was a few mins behind them since its harder for her to climb ect, & they said "GET AWAY BABY, NO BABIES ALOUD IN HERE". Kennedy fell to the ground bawling. & I stood up, called JJ & said "this is your cousin, you are nice to her no matter how anyone else treats her. & GIRLS, she is ONE you guys are alot bigger and should know not to be mean, she is not hurting you and just wants to play, BE NICE." & sent a dirty look over to the mom who LAUGHED.

My mind fast forwarded to school, & even *gulp* highschool. I knew hurt for my child, but I hadn't experienced just how much personal hurt I would feel seeing one of my girls being hurt by another person. It showed me a whole new side of my love for my children. But, that day made me scared for their future, at a certain point I can't control the hurt they are going to experience. That truly terrified me.

I want them to always know I am always in their corner, & no matter what the age is I will support them, back them up & will speak up & tell someone to be nice & leave my babies alone! :)

oh motherhood.

10:11 PM
I know I know, I was supposed to be writing alot more.
Hell im lucky if I get a post in a week.

But here it goes, one of those posts. 
You know the let it all out posts.

Ive been up to my ears in being a mom. Shits tough. I knew it was, of course.
But that moment, when you in the grocery, & "that kid" you can hear in the automotive section coming from the grocery section, that is arching her back screaming throwing a fit is YOUR kid. Its like a big momma smack in the face.

Let me first by saying I KNOW im a good mom, I do.
But tell me, when I know I was meant to do all this, does moments like said event can make you doubt yourself?

Because I did pray for this. I have two babies laughing, yelling & crying; & that means I have two beautiful girls & they are happy. I have a messy house, & that means I have a beautiful warm harm. My husband is constantly working & there is ALWAYS dishes in the sink, & that means he has a job & we have food to eat.

There is nights I have too many glasses of wine to drink because the baby is teething & its been 3 hours of straight crying; kennedy just go out the box of cereal its all over the floor, the dog peed on the floor, the phone is ringing & damn it all i want is a shower for the first time in a week. & heres the thing; a thing I just learned"

All that, everything I just said; I thought I couldn't say; how dare i complain after it took so long to have these babies, how dare i complain about my crazy life when so many are struggling are trying to have babies themselves; that I myself just 3 years ago would have died for. But I CAN.

Just because I had a bad day/week/month doesnt mean I dont appreciate  love, adore &am any less grateful for these little humans.

& as if AP couldn't get any more amazeballs she wrote another post today {if you arent following her go ahead & do youself a favor & do so, the next 29 days are gonna be amazing on her blog} she said what I have needed to hear the last few weeks: "your doing OK, your going to be OK, your the greatest mother to your child..even if you raise your voice.."

I feel like infertility  has given me such a complex that I can't have those days when my cheeks are tear stained, Im waving that "motherhood white flag" & I can't get wine in my glass fast enough; but no matter how you get your babies here, your a momma & your allowed to have bad days.  Because:

Its ok.
Your doing great.