incompetent cervix

5:52 PM
Today was my appt with the ultrasound tech to check my cervix again
they do it with a trans-vaginal ultrasound since a internal exam by my dr could disrupt membranes ect
anyway I am still a fingertip dilated which I have been from the start of the pregnancy so this is great
My dr & I with brandon have sat down & done alot of reasearch & with the new research done there is alot that has said that cerclage isnt the best option anymore & alot of time 85% the woman would have gotten however far in her pregnancy with out one.
On top of that, it something OBs are just throwing out & over using now-a-days

So I have gotten TONS of questions about how all this applies to me
I have a incompetent cervix meaning :Cervical incompetence is a medical condition in which a pregnant woman's cervix begins to dilate (widen) and efface (thin) before her pregnancy has reached term. Internal os opening more than 1 cm is abnormal and cervical length less than 2 cm is considered diagnostic. Cervical incompetence may cause miscarriage or preterm birth during the second and third trimesters.

Also I didn't have this with Kennedy, during my post op is when I learned that my tissue was pretty much discenergrating giving me the incomptent cervix. Which is why they gave me the deadline of August to be able to give birth with any hope of a successful delivery.
There is something called a TRUE incompetent cervix which I do not have. This is when you pretty much with out warning can feel your baby head between your legs & will give birth SOON without any notice.
I am have a weakened incompetent cervix! I am in the middle on the scale of prone to preterm labor & true incompetent cervix.
So I am always a fingertip dilated which my dr is not concerned about. What I have to watch for is not over doing it & watching my braxton hicks & contractions; within one to two contractions I can go from a fingertip to 8cm in a matter of mins; which we NOW know is one of the reasons for my just under 4 hour labor with kennedy.

Throwing a cerclage in my cervix I could do & hope for the best. 
But I am the best advocate for me & my baby & the risks I am not willing to take. With all my research, & my drs & his knowledge we are going to prolong this as much a possible so i will have my cervix checked every few weeks & inbetween them I will really need to be intouch with my body & baby!
If you have any other questions please let me know, I have no problem answering them!


5:32 PM
its facebook official!
we're pregnant! :)
i was kinda nervous, that some people would be offended; but the response was mind blowing & the things said about me, my husband & us a family had me in tear all night! I got around 60 comments & too many to count emails!

we are so touched how happy people are for us!

a peak into my ultrasound

11:37 AM

ultrasound pics!

10:00 AM
Here is from about 10 weeks ago!
can you see the itty foot in the right corner? you can see all the toes! I just die!
sucking on her hand :)

from yesterday:


8:09 PM
told ya ;)


9:41 AM

Oh my goodness, tomorrow is ultrasound day
its so bittersweet, with the bitter is being as sweet as ever.
I dont think the word for what I am feeling is struggling, more like scared? maybe intimidated
Let me explain.
Ive been wanting to do this post for awhile but didnt want to seem um.. awful!
This pregnancy is SO different!
first being I seriously forget how far along I am..& to me I want to punch myself in the face for; with kennedy i knew no joke almost down to the hour how far along I was ha! I sometimes "forget" I am pregnant, not when im half way thru a bottle wine type of forgetting; but sometime I will get envious of a pregnant person & be like oh wait I am pregnant, DUH.
I know alot of this is I am running around after a toddler, which people tell me daily. & I also know it is because we haven't officially announced, & honestly about 75% of the people we know do not know at all that Im pregnant. I also am coming into terms that maybe I am just scared, of the what if's, dont go all "Tara you need to stay positive nothing will happen" on me, I am not thinking of the worst but I also need to have in the back of my mind what COULD happen GOD FORBID, when 2 dr tell you, you have 80-85% of having a giving birth at 14-24 weeks or after still early, even tho we are going past each week praising God you dont take that lightly.
Am I cheating this baby?
Not being as in the moment with this pregnancy like with Kennedy?
My mind plays this guilt game

& then there is Kennedy, I am almost HALF way thru my pregnancy; this is crazy! It going by SO fast, & I feel like I need more time with just her. But then again baby #2 wont get that individual time?

Do you see? I see all these mommas saying I know I can love two babies the same, & I KNOW I can too; but to love another as much as Bug completely baffles me. & to me that sounds like the worst sentence any mother could ever say.

So tomorrow, this pregnancy become REAL, we will know WHO baby #2, boy or girl, what his/her name will be; & be able to tell Kennedy if she is having a brother or sister.

Am I the worst momma ever? How did you handle your second pregnancy?

Loving Two 

I walk along holding your 1-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? 

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before. 

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again. 

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. 

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you. 

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. 

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. 

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. 

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently. 

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply. 

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. 

17 weeks!

12:51 PM
17 weeks today!
& I wanted to do still do these since I did with kennedy!

Here is my 17 week update with Kennedy: HERE

How Far Along: 17 weeks today!

How Big is The Baby:  as big as an onion

Total Weight Gain: technically nothing, from my first OB appt I have lost ALOT with being so sick, but I am up ONE pound, so as soon as I get over my weight from my first appt is when they count it as weight gain!

Maternity Clothes:  I did buy 2 shirts from love21 it doesnt look like a maternity shirt but i have worn it!

Sleep:  not losing any due to pregnancy besides to pee a couple times maybe, just cause of bug being so sick

Gender:soon we will know!

Movement: I felt something last week, a flutter; it was amazing.

Food Cravings: a local restaurant munchies mm.. all the time its all i want! 

What I Miss: nothing

What I'm looking forward to:finding out the gender! & getting my cervix length check on friday! Ill do a whole post about incompetent cervix & what I have learned & about mine!

Milestones:  2nd tri!

for you view pleasure:
my point & shoot sucks. 
Im alot bigger than last time, but then again I am fatter then last time haha
Here I am with Kennedy at 17weeks!

Boy or Girl?

11:47 AM

Ok ya'll we found TUESDAY!
can you believe it? 
I can't!
So I want to take a poll on which you think!!

Boy or Girl?
Girl free polls 

christmas tree

11:39 AM
For the past 4 year we have been going to the same Christmas tree farm!
I only have pictures from the last 3 :(
You go & find your tree & cut it down yourself
this little old couple who owns it sits in their little camper & come out & take a picture of you with your tree so you can come back the following tree to see it!
When we got out of the truck the old man went to the albums, & found out picture just by seeing us! Its so neat & such a fun tradition!
We always go the sunday after Thanksgiving but it was raining  so we went this past sunday! 
It was WET the water was past my ankles & soaked thru my boots to my socks! YUCK!
We left bug in the truck since it was so cold & she was out cold {she is STILL sick}
Anyway here is the past 3 years!
notice how I get fatter with each year haha & some how managed the both of us to wear something the same!