my sunshine

7:05 PM
the other day
kennedy was looking extra cute

i mean i know she is already pretty freakin cute
but this day..
she had that EXTRA cute-ness in her eye

& i had the sudden urge to take a million pictures
ok i always do
but i felt like i need to capture her..right now.. that moment.
she looked so happy
her personality was raying out of her like sunshine on hot july day
she was my baby
& before i know
she is going to be a toddler :(

think she is cute too?
we could really use a MAJOR boost on TBB!
just two clicks
below, then on the owl on the left :)
Vote For Us @!

a prayer.

7:48 PM
“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit. May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen.” -Tina Fey

being a mom.

4:04 PM
I recently sat down with a friend who is a few years older than me
she was telling me about she has been running into friends that just got there masters & have these awesome jobs
& when they asked her what she has been up to
& she said she was embarrassed cause all she can say is "i had bella"
{let me just take a second to say she has been thru so much by having bella at 24 weeks}
& it seriously broke my heart
she saying with sadness to me how all she is, is a mom

& then just litterly just about a half hour ago
ran into a girl I went to high school with
& was telling me she graduated from her 4 years at Purdue 
{UCK, PU! becky you will like that one ;)}
& was now working with the giraffes at the local zoo, she "has the best job ever"
& i was "just being a mom right"

which got me thinking.. when did being a mom be so not a accomplishment?
not that being a working mom isn't
but when did "just being a mom"
be looked down upon, like that is ALL you do?

maybe its just because all I ever wanted to be was momma
I went to college but it just wasn't for me
I got my CDA, instead of my degree in early childhood development
which I barely got by getting since i had recently started dating Brandon & that was much more fun haha
maybe that makes me "unaccomplished" or a "loser"

but I got married to the love of my life
bought my amazing childhood home
conquered the impossible & got pregnant
then I stayed pregnant, being unbelievably sick
& laid in bed hooked up to a pump & IV for over 2 months
then I had a healthy beautiful little girl
& am taking care of her, my husband & home 
not to mention my annoying 3 dogs
{not in that order ;) }
to me that is a pretty big accomplishment

I love my photography business 
I am SO blessed to be able to do what I love all the while still being able to be home doing the one thing in life i truly believe i was placed on this earth to be...
...A MOM

I don't know if it is the stigma of those reality shows i can't seem to miss every week night
the full-time nannies
or the supercute kids that do nothing wrong
or the teen mom episodes that say HEY Maci is like 12 & does it 

But being a momma is hard.

So when someone asks me what I have done since highschool
I have started a family, a truly beautiful family
I may  not have a piece of paper with a degree on it
but i get sloppy kisses, bites on my nose, "mommas" & instant smiles followed by arms up in the air dying to be picked up whenever i walk into a room

& that my friends
is all i need.


2:10 PM
This morning I had a session with Ashlee from The Story of Us'!
It was so fun!
We hung out so much in high school; but for one teenage girl reason of another stopped talking
& recently started again
we have had a couple of play dates {that i STILL haven't gotten pictures of}
& i was so happy she asked me to do them!
have you checked out her blog yet?
{she is the only one from like her to California that is a blogger that lives near me!}
yeah, go ahead & do that ;)


2:04 PM
Kennedy with one of my best friends girls


7:59 PM
since i have been dying of sickness the last few days & still not feel tip-top to write
here is a little vid i toke of my super cute kid
{yup call me dr suess}

ps thank you for the overwhelming support on my last post. you all are great!

infertility vs marriage

10:59 AM
This blog post is hard for me to write
& actually embarrassing
sometimes on our blogs, we proceed this "perfect" life
a perfect child, perfect marriage, perfect home
so what i am about to write about will probably shock most of you & most certainly shock those readers i know in real life

infertility sucks.
as i have said time & time again
I have talked about the toll it has taken on me
but this is where it gets hard:

my marriage.

infertility can do one of two things
1) make your marriage so strong 2) make it fall apart

at first it made us stronger
but the past month completely torn us apart

I never thought it would happen to me, or I would ever need to do a post like this
but this is my blog; & I need a place to vent, & feel it my duty to talk about these things

This weekend I almost walked out on my husband.
Walked out.

I talk about my anger when it comes to people getting pregnant & how all of a sudden I become God & get to the right to judge weather or not they deserve a baby

Do I like feeling this way? NO
Do I like being a angry person? NO

Brandon seems to think I like crying when a friend of ours recently found out they were pregnant, or another friend just found out they were having a baby girl.
I tried to gather clothes up for them to try to make up for me being emotional but couldnt.
People are supposed to keep their baby clothes to see if they have another & what gender it will be.

August was the month. The month TWO doctors suggest we should stop trying due to the rising risk of birth at 14-24 weeks. Yes, it is just a suggestion but like I have written if it didn't happen by then I think it was God telling us something would happen. & I could.not.handle.that. I can't get depressed over losing another baby. I have a healthy 9 month one I need to be strong for.
So after photographing possibly the most stressful, worse wedding ever; AF shows up, I start crying because each & everything time AF comes; I am not pregnant & one step closer to NEVER having another child grow inside of me. Brandons response? "so."

Grant it; our marriage isnt a wreck. We have fun, lots of fun. We really do rarely fight beside a few issues this being one of them. We HAVE a beautiful little girl, who gets cranky, & cries. & beautiful home that isn't always picked up perfect. But some times IF can be that black cloud like that depression commercial where the cloud kept following the person haha & make you forget all of that & just the stuff that sucks.

Now, I didn't walk out on him, but things aren't good. We are working on them. Possibly starting consoling.
He needs to realize that I need support. & I need to realize men & women grieve differently; I will always be more emotional then him.  
As I sat with my good friend this weekend who has had two angel babies like me but had to give birth to them; she stuggles just like me. But was sitting there happy with her husband & beautiful little girl. I wanted to scream HOW DO YOU DO IT!
& then even though I have said a million times to myself, coming from a friend it hit me like a two-by-four in the head.
"be thankful for what you have, I should have 3 children right now, but I have ONE; how amazing is that"
that was it.

Infertility is SO much more then not being able to have a baby.
It is crazy emotions, crying down the baby isle at walmart, scheduled sex getting old & most defiantly not romantic, & sometimes a huge burden on your marriage.

As my finger wearily goes to click "publish post"
I hope none of this makes you all look at me different. 
& that I don't have this perfect marriage
One thing I need to remember is I married this man because I love him, not because I just wanted a family with him, & any child that comes out of our love is just a bonus.

zoo trips!

12:41 PM
I want to share some pictures from our zoo trips this summer!
I forgot to post over fathers day weekend we went to the Toledo zoo!
I grew up going there like everrryweekend I loved it
but haven't been since we moved from Ohio
So it was really cool to take Kennedy there!
We went with my cousin, his wife who i absolutely adore & their daughter!

 Went to the local zoo twice in the past week, once with my MIL then again for daddy to be there!
doesnt see look like a toddler here? the girl beside her is the little girl i babysit! They felt pretty cool in their double stroller we rented!
Kennedy feeding the giraffe & the stupid lady with the cell phone in the way!
she calls it "doe, doe, doe" not exactly a dog, baby :)
playing in the fountain!
all dry! do you think one day she will wonder why her father is such a dork? haha

this HUGE..

12:13 PM
...we have LITTLE pony tail :)

I am pretty excited!

adventures in self feeding

9:35 PM
So I am always reading 
& always reading my "babys first year"
reading articlies, studies; you i'm crazy ;)
& recently seeing some great articiles & chapter in my "babys first year"
it suggested dabbling in it at 8 months
well here we are FREAKING 9 MONTHS
{still in denial}
she has been "wanting" to feed herself for awhile now 
i got the bumbo out, went outside
put a jar {i am kinda slacking on making babyfood lately only because my mom bought a bunch because she is a shop a holic & thought instead of 2 jars for her house she bought like 80}
took her clothes off
& her spoon in front of her
sat back & try not to intervene
& let her explore

it started of a little at the "wrong end"
then she got down to buisness & got messy
she misssed a few times
but she got the hang of it
she got a little "hands on"
 some times it hard to see all my parenting choices paying off right away
I try to do things filed under "attachment" & "natural" with my own twist creating my own style without falling under a category
being critized for this thing or that thing
but when I come to decision & tell some people about it; they think I am crazy
this being one of them 
"it will be such a mess" "good luck with that" ect
but it was so cool to watch my daughter "learn" right in front of my eyes
no she wasnt scooping spoon fulls out of the jar by the end of this
but she learn what side to put in her mouth & move the spoon around on her tray to get some on it for a good taste :)

9 months!

11:40 AM
9 months! 
Holy cheese & rice, when did this happen?
we are almost to double digits!

new about you:
You are a puffs ADDICT. like no joke.
You are recently a little dare devil climbing up & into things
Love being outside, mostly to eat rocks
vocab: mama,dada,nana,doe,awww,ut-oh 
you take a few steps here or there but find it easier to crawl or fall forwards which is is hilarious to you
your eating alot of what we eat now, & love it!
you are really loving books now-a-days which makes me happy
you transitioned into a big girl car seat, but still throw fits when you have to get in it
you as always love your puppies but now try to chase every dog you see you no matter where they are
you had your first trip to our local zoo, feed a giraffe {that you called "doe" aka dog} & a duck!! 
bahahha ;)
You getting bigger & bigger everyday
& we love watching you grow into such a little lady :)

we love you so much!
happy 9 months baby girl!


3:31 PM
Oh gesh oh peas!
I feel like i haven't blogged in forever.
Our internet has been down & seriously its of course during the times I need to blog before went insane
but I made it, & am sane, well sorta; the normal sane ;)

Ive been busy like always it seem like.
Kennedy is SO close to walking
she takes a few steps but finds it funnier to fall

& recently a dare-devil

Ive been trying to make a goal of a playdate a week
even though I watch a little girl, she is older
& i really need more mom-to-mom convos
we actually had one friday with Ashlee & Maddux from The Story of Us
but of course the one I time I dont take pictures was that day!
Hopefully we will have more soon tho!
this one kills me, one of my good friends little girl is older than her but they play great! they both have their cinderellas & doing the same thing!
freakin NINE month update tomorrow ya'll!

Our Journey on Flux

11:30 PM
The Paper Mama & I were interviewed by Flux Magazine;
of course I just make a brief appearance
make sure you check it out!

{note this interview was awhile ago, so obv i didnt keep up on the 365 project :S}


4:06 PM
frozen fruit + mesh feeder
kennedys little gums in heaven

things on my mind {in bullets}

12:01 PM
  • my house is a freakin diaster area. not the "oh dont mind my house-even though i know its clean-but want to act like it is-because a friend stopped" but seriously messy. I had a wedding {that was awful & I mean awful}& a session & during the husband didnt deem it necessary to help a momma out.
my back living room at this very minute! EK!

  •  I am thinking about starting the dining room remodel TODAY. this could happen before or after cleaning ;)

  • I think some momma bloggers are mean. I got so many mean emails about me not loving my daughter,being a horrible parent, "I should just kill my daughter myself" {yeah that was said} after THIS post, just to make it clear I never said she would never be rear-facing just cant see a 2 year old smashed in the backseat. end of discussion

  • while on that note who gives any of us mommas a right to telling them they are doing something wrong. I personally would never bash ANYONES parenting unless they were like beating their child or something horrific like a Oprah episode. Mommas are seriously brutal. {disclaimer: I totally could careless what mean people say, blogging gives anyone the right to say stuff; but sometimes..the mean stuff can get to me}

  • Kennedy is a puffs ADDICT. seriously she loves um.

      • My hair is crazzzy long. & I feel like I can't do nothing with it but put it in a ponytail. bleh.
      • My dogs seriously have been driving me CRAZY
      • can someone PLEASE make my header center? it driving me insanee!
      • My 4-year old niece has been spending around 20 hrs aday at our house & keeps peeing on my peeing on my floors. I dont get it; & it totally brought up the clear coat on my tile. ummmm..ew.

      Ok thats all I got for ya. 
      Hope you had a great weekend! TO CLEAN!