incompetent cervix

5:52 PM
Today was my appt with the ultrasound tech to check my cervix again
they do it with a trans-vaginal ultrasound since a internal exam by my dr could disrupt membranes ect
anyway I am still a fingertip dilated which I have been from the start of the pregnancy so this is great
My dr & I with brandon have sat down & done alot of reasearch & with the new research done there is alot that has said that cerclage isnt the best option anymore & alot of time 85% the woman would have gotten however far in her pregnancy with out one.
On top of that, it something OBs are just throwing out & over using now-a-days

So I have gotten TONS of questions about how all this applies to me
I have a incompetent cervix meaning :Cervical incompetence is a medical condition in which a pregnant woman's cervix begins to dilate (widen) and efface (thin) before her pregnancy has reached term. Internal os opening more than 1 cm is abnormal and cervical length less than 2 cm is considered diagnostic. Cervical incompetence may cause miscarriage or preterm birth during the second and third trimesters.

Also I didn't have this with Kennedy, during my post op is when I learned that my tissue was pretty much discenergrating giving me the incomptent cervix. Which is why they gave me the deadline of August to be able to give birth with any hope of a successful delivery.
There is something called a TRUE incompetent cervix which I do not have. This is when you pretty much with out warning can feel your baby head between your legs & will give birth SOON without any notice.
I am have a weakened incompetent cervix! I am in the middle on the scale of prone to preterm labor & true incompetent cervix.
So I am always a fingertip dilated which my dr is not concerned about. What I have to watch for is not over doing it & watching my braxton hicks & contractions; within one to two contractions I can go from a fingertip to 8cm in a matter of mins; which we NOW know is one of the reasons for my just under 4 hour labor with kennedy.

Throwing a cerclage in my cervix I could do & hope for the best. 
But I am the best advocate for me & my baby & the risks I am not willing to take. With all my research, & my drs & his knowledge we are going to prolong this as much a possible so i will have my cervix checked every few weeks & inbetween them I will really need to be intouch with my body & baby!
If you have any other questions please let me know, I have no problem answering them!


5:32 PM
its facebook official!
we're pregnant! :)
i was kinda nervous, that some people would be offended; but the response was mind blowing & the things said about me, my husband & us a family had me in tear all night! I got around 60 comments & too many to count emails!

we are so touched how happy people are for us!

a peak into my ultrasound

11:37 AM

ultrasound pics!

10:00 AM
Here is from about 10 weeks ago!
can you see the itty foot in the right corner? you can see all the toes! I just die!
sucking on her hand :)

from yesterday:


8:09 PM
told ya ;)


9:41 AM

Oh my goodness, tomorrow is ultrasound day
its so bittersweet, with the bitter is being as sweet as ever.
I dont think the word for what I am feeling is struggling, more like scared? maybe intimidated
Let me explain.
Ive been wanting to do this post for awhile but didnt want to seem um.. awful!
This pregnancy is SO different!
first being I seriously forget how far along I am..& to me I want to punch myself in the face for; with kennedy i knew no joke almost down to the hour how far along I was ha! I sometimes "forget" I am pregnant, not when im half way thru a bottle wine type of forgetting; but sometime I will get envious of a pregnant person & be like oh wait I am pregnant, DUH.
I know alot of this is I am running around after a toddler, which people tell me daily. & I also know it is because we haven't officially announced, & honestly about 75% of the people we know do not know at all that Im pregnant. I also am coming into terms that maybe I am just scared, of the what if's, dont go all "Tara you need to stay positive nothing will happen" on me, I am not thinking of the worst but I also need to have in the back of my mind what COULD happen GOD FORBID, when 2 dr tell you, you have 80-85% of having a giving birth at 14-24 weeks or after still early, even tho we are going past each week praising God you dont take that lightly.
Am I cheating this baby?
Not being as in the moment with this pregnancy like with Kennedy?
My mind plays this guilt game

& then there is Kennedy, I am almost HALF way thru my pregnancy; this is crazy! It going by SO fast, & I feel like I need more time with just her. But then again baby #2 wont get that individual time?

Do you see? I see all these mommas saying I know I can love two babies the same, & I KNOW I can too; but to love another as much as Bug completely baffles me. & to me that sounds like the worst sentence any mother could ever say.

So tomorrow, this pregnancy become REAL, we will know WHO baby #2, boy or girl, what his/her name will be; & be able to tell Kennedy if she is having a brother or sister.

Am I the worst momma ever? How did you handle your second pregnancy?

Loving Two 

I walk along holding your 1-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? 

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before. 

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again. 

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. 

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you. 

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. 

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. 

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. 

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently. 

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply. 

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. 

17 weeks!

12:51 PM
17 weeks today!
& I wanted to do still do these since I did with kennedy!

Here is my 17 week update with Kennedy: HERE

How Far Along: 17 weeks today!

How Big is The Baby:  as big as an onion

Total Weight Gain: technically nothing, from my first OB appt I have lost ALOT with being so sick, but I am up ONE pound, so as soon as I get over my weight from my first appt is when they count it as weight gain!

Maternity Clothes:  I did buy 2 shirts from love21 it doesnt look like a maternity shirt but i have worn it!

Sleep:  not losing any due to pregnancy besides to pee a couple times maybe, just cause of bug being so sick

Gender:soon we will know!

Movement: I felt something last week, a flutter; it was amazing.

Food Cravings: a local restaurant munchies mm.. all the time its all i want! 

What I Miss: nothing

What I'm looking forward to:finding out the gender! & getting my cervix length check on friday! Ill do a whole post about incompetent cervix & what I have learned & about mine!

Milestones:  2nd tri!

for you view pleasure:
my point & shoot sucks. 
Im alot bigger than last time, but then again I am fatter then last time haha
Here I am with Kennedy at 17weeks!

Boy or Girl?

11:47 AM

Ok ya'll we found TUESDAY!
can you believe it? 
I can't!
So I want to take a poll on which you think!!

Boy or Girl?
Girl free polls 

christmas tree

11:39 AM
For the past 4 year we have been going to the same Christmas tree farm!
I only have pictures from the last 3 :(
You go & find your tree & cut it down yourself
this little old couple who owns it sits in their little camper & come out & take a picture of you with your tree so you can come back the following tree to see it!
When we got out of the truck the old man went to the albums, & found out picture just by seeing us! Its so neat & such a fun tradition!
We always go the sunday after Thanksgiving but it was raining  so we went this past sunday! 
It was WET the water was past my ankles & soaked thru my boots to my socks! YUCK!
We left bug in the truck since it was so cold & she was out cold {she is STILL sick}
Anyway here is the past 3 years!
notice how I get fatter with each year haha & some how managed the both of us to wear something the same!

she blogged? I blogged! oh my! {birthday party pics}

8:00 PM
I know so shocking!
Im sitting here with my sicky girl!
she has croup AND RSV
we can't catch a break
babygirl is laying watching Elf, seriously she never watches TV even if I want her to, when im doing something; nothing catches her attention. But Elf, oh me oh my she is hooked! & this momma is thankful.
I am doing so much better! Im down to about 7ish times a day in the morning for getting sick; which is so great!

I don't have much time to write right now, I have to take bug out to get some cold air in her lung
but I will leave you with some pics from the party!
The day went off without a ditch!
We had it at the local golf course/country club; we ended up having just over 30 guests & it was so amazing to see that all of them were there for OUR little girl. We are so blessed to have such fantastic people in our/her life.
Printable by: DimplePrints
Decor: DIY by me :)

Dessert/Cake Table
oreos,twizzlers, ladybug cookies, & of course CAKE! :)

Thank You ladybug cookies
Smash Cake!
The cake!
She is absolutely the best at opening gifts, so so fun!
Here are some of fav gift pictures!
First gift:
Mom, that card is so hilarous haha
Same face :)
Like mother like daughter hehe
Smash cake Faves:
Shy when everyone started singing to her 

I didnt take much I acutally only took the ones of the table & my cousin took the others!
I wish i would have hired someone now, so I would have had more but oh well! What I do have im grateful for!
Hope to write more, sooner than later!
I miss you all, I am reading on my reader so i cant comment as  I am on my phone! but I am reading I promise! :))

its approaching

1:23 PM
birthday is in t-minus 2 days!
party on sunday!

Brandons Great Grandma passed away last week, so we have to go out of town tonight to be there for the funeral tomorrow. Which he had to take as this day of for the week!
So im super sad we actually wont see him at all on the day of her actual birthday, I am super bummed! 
He has a new positon at another office a hour away, as if I didnt already struggle with his hours; this makes it worse. But I keep reminding myself; at least he has a job, I am thankful, I am thankful, this is the reason I get to stay home..I am thankful I am thankful...haha it works..sometimes

So Wednesday we were supposed to have a birthday dinner just us 3 & go to Toys R Us to pick her up gift, that she is gonna die; but da-da is getting subbed by na-na! She wants to take her to Chuck E Cheese for dinner. I am on the fence. HELLO GERMS. but with her a running around crazy person; it does seem ideal to be able to run around  & it will be a weekday so it wont be busy! We will see! I will have lots of pictures!

& I babysit; so I have to get alllll the party stuff ready, WITH an engagement session on Saturday.
I am freakin out!

I will leave you with a throwback picture of my itty baby! :(

"outing" my blog

8:03 PM
as you all know my blog is not "public" per say
I dont post on my personal facebook that i have this blog
& no one knows I have but a few people
it has been my "haven" of infertility woes & complaints
a pregnancy time capsule & virtual baby book
with us announcing the pregnancy here soon
I am battling with the decision to "out" my blog when I go my pregnancy
I asked all my twitter mommas {whom as the best}
& i got a 50/50 
I could make a family blog & just do kennedy & preg updates
but i also want my past ones on there, which will be time consuming
but do i want to lose this little "safe" place I have to vent, be pissed off & be 100% honest with myself & others?
I also feel like this wonderful thing in my life is such a secret!
When I got in the article for FLUX magazine I was excited but could only tell all of you, which of course was wonderful but I wanted to tell my other friends as well!

So I want YOUR opnion what would YOU do?
Keep it private? or make it public?


9:49 PM
How did you do it?
those days approaching the "big day"
ya know...1st birthday
I know some of this is just pregnancy hormones..
but i am wreck yall..
they say "it goes by so fast"
but that doesnt even begin to prepare you...
i just want to go this very moment...

happy halloween!

12:20 PM
this was supposed to post last night but didn't :(
me a year ago yesterday!
I haven't gotten to download the pics of the ultrasound
but oh 2 weeks ago, i went into my appt actually kinda werid. I had this deep feeling that nothing was going to show up on the ultrasound.
But sure enough as soon as it started she {yes i already think/know gummy is a girl} was kicking, & sucking on her hand!
on the pictures we got you can see her foot with each & every toe! we measured at 9w5d!
I was bawling. I have been so sick,so so sick. The being pricked for an IV what seems like everyday you really get discouraged y aknow? but that. that made it all worth it!

speaking of sickness, it had gotten better im still probally getting sick 6 times aday which is such a HUGE improvement. I am getting so energy back. But i still cant get thru a grocery trip to walmart.

I had another appt yesterday.
I had been kinda concerned that maybe my blood pressure was up, i had been getting a very tight chest with chest pain & seeing stars & being lightheaded ect. So he said he hadnt looked at my blood work from my last appt 2 weeks ago so he would get it.
He came back in & kinda stood there for awhile just watching me & kennedy {brandon couldnt get off work} & said that once again my panel came back & i had little to no nutrition, i had no potassium & so many other things. He said he had no idea how i  came in to his office that day, let alone with a 11month old in tow. Then he said what made me litterly cry all day & am now that im typing this:
"I came in here with full intentions to some what beg you to never do this to your body again, You body just can't do pregnancy & doing this again could put your life in danger, until I just sat there & look at you with your daughter. & then I had full understanding how why you do this"
Cue the freakin waterworks.
I know i am a good mom, but to hear from a complete stranger that he picked up on that & understood made me the happiest person in the world.
Because to be honest I have questioned myself. Why did I want to get pregnant again knowing I would go thru all this & take away so much from kennedy,my family & business from being so sick. I was starting to think that I was probally the most selfish person on the planet. & hearing that, made me re tract to all the reasons I am a mom & wanted to be one for so long.
Also, the cerclage will be at 16 weeks!

On a different note, birthday is just 2 week away yall!
like freakin way to close! I cant believe it!

pre halloween!

2:37 PM
I am here, barely but i am here!
I have a whole post about our little gummie bear to tell you about, if you follow me on twitter tho you already know!
But for right now here are some picture of my buggy-butt from over 2 weeks ago! 
They aren't edited so bare with the quality but I dont have time to edit my photography images let alone mine! 
I preordered this outfit in July & got it at the end of August & couldnt wait to get her in it!

pregnancy loss

1:02 PM
So I am writing this from a hospital bed.
Yeah I got admitted for not holding anything down for over 48 hours, so they pumped me up with meds & IV.
But I really wanted to get this post in.
Today is National Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day
As most of you know I have lost two angel babies
I  think about them each & everyday
I will never understand the common why me?
The doctors tell me my problem which they have no name for that my body just rejects pregnancies
& is constantly trying to get rid of them.

I am so lucky to have my "rainbow" baby & be able to carry to term
as so many have not.
pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject
No one knows what to say or seems to say always say the wrong thing
i.e."there was probally something wrong, it was probally for the best"
Just my openness about my miscarriages since becoming pregnant with Kennedy has opened up SO many conversations with my peers. I get messages of women that have silently going thru one, or have just gone thru one for just a ear to listen.
& with that I am grateful.

But today I want to remember my babies.
although their time with me was short, they will forever be in my heart.

I remember like it was yesterday 2 years ago sitting in my hospital bed, as I am now hooked to all sorts of stuff. I was less than 100 pounds & the dr came in & told me my body was completely shutting down. It had nothing left to give to me, let alone my baby. He talked about the abortion, he is not a advocate but he told me I was going to die & I wasn't far enough along for the baby to survive & it was like a bullet. It was out.of.the.question.Like in this post; I had just gotten used to the fact that i was pregnant & I was starting to love this little bitty inside of me. & then days later it was all gone, I remember coming out of my D&C & feeling so empty. & wondering how I could feel that way instantly.

I struggled each & everyday with my thoughts of non-happiness & months later I got another positive pregnancy test, then 2 days later I started bleeding. Brandon rushed me to the ER we did an ultrasound & got my beta. I was to return in 48hrs to get another so I did. I remember trying to get my results wasa nightmare until I walked into the main hospital receptionist desk & demanded them. I got the paper. & walked out. I started opening it slow, but fast if that makes sense & I read it. 7. I dropped to my knees in the middle of the parking lot & just sobbed as people walked around me. I was miscarrying again laying in bed bawling, curled in a ball of pain of the most painful cramps I have experienced, I knew for sure that God was angry with me for my thoughts. I have worked thru most of them now.Finding bit of gratefulness in my journey into becoming a mother. Like said messages & thankfulness that comes with little things that "most" mothers may be less Patience with.

Brandon always says how he just wants to forget. I know that I can't. Even if they were only with me for 12 & 6 weeks I will always remember them. & always take extra time to remember them on this day.

Dear Lord,
I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me? 


11:23 AM
I have absent from the blog world.
I am still reading tho!
I got a email from one of my favorite bloggers that I really considered a friend
after my last post
The email went into how ungrateful I am & how could I complain about being sick after wanting this for so long
Let me first go on by saying
I am not sick, like "oh I puked this morning..
oh I feel nauseous"
my ass if puking 40+ times a day
I want you to go puke 40 xs a day 
& not feel entitled to vent a little on the one place you can actually vent
in the pros of this, YES yall i know this means my  baby is growing I get that
but when you are throwing up chunks of acid, & dry-heaving
all the while trying to take care of a 10-month old, babysitting & running your business 
it gets hard
really hard
when i was sick & much more sick with kennedy I could just stay in bed; but i can't.

I don't know why, & trust me this past week I have begged & bawled to god & my husband
why does this have to be SO HARD for me. this one aspect of my life that I want so bad has to be hard, when it seems like every other woman/teenage can get pregnant & have this easy pregnancy but
I want to be able to get pregnant & be happy & excited. instead of being scared & having to worry 24/7.

But...I learned that i was getting no where with that whoa-is-me sob story about myself, & brandon reminded me how much more grateful it makes us & so thankful.

He is right.. but dang it I just want to complain for a second.
Excuse me while i go barf.

{more pleasant post coming}


4:12 PM
I hate that I haven't updated!
I am so sick, not to the extent as past pregnancies but its up there
Friday night I started up bleeding again..& like ew gross glup thing
I was terrified.
Dr said if i went thru one pad in an hour to go to the ER ASAP.
well i didn't but i did notice the more active i was/on my feet the more blood I would have
so he told me to stay off my feet.. yeah I had a wedding the next day not possible.
& being the photographer I was on my feet around 12 hours that day
& the next day we had a birthday party & a session
I has nervous since my nauseousness was dwindled down to like nothing
I was afraid that on Friday that was more than just "over doing it"
but here i am today puking 4 times a hour
litterly so weak
brandon tried to get me out of the house & took me to lunch & walmart
he ended up having to carry me inside the house when we were done
so here i sit; trying to get discs burned & blog a little.
I have a destination wedding this weekend in Tennessee
the bride & groom are paying for not only me but the hubs & kennedy too!
gas,food & lodging plus my wedding fee
so i really want to feel better by then!
my mom offered to keep kennedy which would be super helpful
but that long away from me is freaking me out.
never ever been more than 24 hours away from here..
we will see!
hopefully my next post will be less sick-y! :(

well howdy!

9:30 PM
I am here!
 You all are so lovely for all the comments, tweets & emails; I really don't know what I do to deserve such encouraging people that care about my family!
Let start with Wednesday shall we?
The day of my appt
I get there & the receptionist remembers me & we chat, & ooo & aww over kennedys pictures
{brandon stayed home with kennedy & the little girl I babysit, it would have been hard with them both there}
After we cut the chit-chat it was time for paperwork
I got asked nearly 10 xs either by mouth or paper
"# of prengnancies"
I hadn't said it outloud & each time it was like bullet
I had a the receptionist, check in ladies, nurse, ob & phlebotomist all ask me
all followed by "what are there names"
"name. I just have one Kennedy."
So right off that bat I wished Brandon had been there, as did he.
We started the ultrasound 
still no pole.
no heartbeat.
& was measuring 5w6d
just a day over what the the last US exactly a week ago was measured.
but where was a yok sac
Dr came to the conclusion that either 
a) baby stopped growing
b) baby is just a slow grower?
he took my levels again & said I would only hear back from him if something was  alarming..
& I haven't so this is GREAT news.
Also, if you didn't read before I have had NIGHTMARE OB's & really love this guy! Hopefully this is it! Cause he seemed wonderful!
Things are still really up in the air
I have been bleeding now for over 5 days
I am now nauseous....really nauseous {which is wonderful in the growth aspect}
on top of that completely weak, & the cramps are unreal
today I didnt get off the couch once, luckily both of my sessions today cancelled!
I told the Dr about my first pregnancy & with Kennedy how bad it gets 
& how i was actually on my death bed with my 1st from hyperemesis 
& close with Kennedy
I just hope it is nothing like that this time
I will not be able to care for kennedy properly & that scares me

I am trying to keep positive, tho! I have been thinking about if its another girl; how kennedy & she will be like twins! Or if its a boy how perfect that will be! 
Purchasing "big sister" shirts which by the way dont come in Kennedys size! are they trying to tell me something? haha they start at 2T! All the ones her size say "little sister"

& then all of a sudden for 2 nights straight a few days ago I have waken up in a complete panic.
Will kennedy be mad at me?
will she resent me?
can I do this?
2 babies under 2!!
how can I possibly love another baby as much Kennedy?
Obviously this is the one thing in the world I have wanted for almost a year now
but it just would hit me, & I would think of Kennedy & just sob.
I have been reassured that this is completely normal
& even had one of my amazing friends tell me "if anyone can do it, you can"
which made me cry 
yeah, yall thought I did alot of that before; ya aint seen nothin yet ;)

Anyway this post is getting longer then I wanted it to be, but I wanted to update yall & let you know we are alive :)
I will leave you with our little bean sac 

our saturday

11:13 PM
Well i found out friday my beta was...
which is good, means they are rising...a little low
no answer to my severe pain, way to painful for implantation {in my my opinon for my last 3 pregnanies}
so I have my first appt with my NEW OB wednesday!

Saturday we woke up not feeling the greatest but was asked to go to to the Johnny Appleseed fest with my good friend, & her kiddos
so I put kennedy in TWO shirts, vest & hat & headed out
it ended up actually getting pretty warm!
some highlights:
a little walking practice
rein-actors who by the way shoot of canons that made me almost pee my pants TWICE! & didnt even phase kennedy! deaf much? 
you can find abe justa walkin around
the whole reason for the fest is because johnny appleseed is buried here!
the fest is surround by the grave site of johnny apple seed
we also did a little grocery shopping!

what'd yall do?


3:21 PM
I just got off the phone with the dr.
Lets start with yesterday
I dont know if yall remember but we were going to try to go thru our family dr who totally rocks
& will even make house calls for kennedy &/or me
he is great
when the nurse called to say I was to get a ultrasound & he had decided to pass me on to a high-risk OB
I said ok but not my old OB
so i thought I was going to an actual OB office like other US's
& could confine in a OB about this tremendous pain I have been having
Well i was wrong
I went to the radiologist dept to get my ultrasound
We were just walking down the hall to room when we instantly knew this girl was a biatch
Brandon now says we should have right there just turned around
she told how pointless my ultrasound was & she wouldnt be able to see ANYTHING
as if i electively wanted this US the DR ORDERED IT
i have had my US way earlier then 4 weeks before
we are doing this for a reason, which I told her
she did first a on external US i was like umm, your not going to do a internal/trans-vaginal?
lady was on crack i swear
she continued to be rude, & brandon i swear was close to knocking her out
she asked him to leave the room
then we got down to business, she said there "was a sac but nothing in it, who knows if it will stick anyways"
after a few more blows, & jabs at my heart & ovaries , i left shaking & crying
the worst experience ever
today I got a call.. after calling twice when they were supposed to call me first thing today
I am measuring 5w 5d. My LMP was 4w 2d ago, & apparently now my levels are LOW
no fetal pole, which could be ok but with kennedy & my last 2 pregnancies we had a  pole &/or saw heartbeat
nurse said "with my history I would expect to miscarry, just go in monday to confirm your levels are dropping"
um no, your apparently on crack too i said I would go in either today or tomorrow
I am not gonna sit all weekend wondering if I am losing ANOTHER baby. sorry. not happening.
on top of that, if it continues to rise there is so much I have to do in my early stages of pregnancy to make sure everything is OK.
So she agreed for me to get another tomorrow!
We will see.
I am scared.
Kennedy at 5w 5d

wordless wednesday

9:51 AM
i already posted this but couldnt help to do it again!


9:04 AM

So heres what I am thinking {not doctor}:
A-I am further along. I could be 6 weeks, AF on the 14th of August was just heavy implantation, & my negative digital wouldnt have picked up a postive then

Here is a guideline so really it could be one, or two!

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age):
  • 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
  • 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
  • 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
  • 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
  • 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
  • 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
  • 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
  • 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
  • 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
  • Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml
{via: american}

The nurse thought the same on both.
But I am so confused about AF in August.
We will seeee!

Ultrasound TOMORROW at 2!

my birthday weekend!{huge news}

11:10 AM
Kennedy started walking EVERYWHERE.
like could not stop her!
Sunday she wasnt as into it, would walk & crawl combo!

We went out to eat for seafood, which wasn't even good; BOO!
& I missed a dose of meds for kennedy was she was beyond cranky so I ended up not even finishing..not that i wanted too. & took her out in the car & waited for Brandon
before we went out to eat!
i got breakfast in bed
& went over to my moms
{ i again want to say that I do not share my blog on my personal FB ect, if I know you in my personal everyday life, i am not only asking.. I am begging..& pleadingthat you not share what you read here today}
I have been having alot of pain in my abdomen.. & as of the last two days gotten really swollen, I showed my mom & she has noticed it too & we were thinking it maybe another cyst..a  really big one; or a big one that has burst. There was no way I was pregnant, I stopped clomid 2 cycles ago.. & AF was here on August 13th I did test after just because i felt SO nauseous but that ended up being the flu that Brandon also go as well, it was negative {digital}/
I needed to get to the dr asap, because something just wasn't right.

well, we decided to go to walmart & pick up a test. I said i really didn't want to...there was no point..I didn't want another negative, even though we weren't even trying..

first two were during the evening of yesterday.. the second with the tiniest sample. & the last from this morning!
go on..freak out.. I AM!
god works in SUCH mysterious ways!
August was the last month to try I have a post I was going to post this week about the end of this journey.
I stopped charting..we stopped trying
we actually were looking into adoption which was part of that post.
the only people that know are Brandon, Kennedy & my parents only because I am going to need them for support if anything goes wrong, a friend & now all of you.
We are not telling anyone til 20 weeks in fear of miscarriage or early delivery due to my incompetent cervix.
But i wanted to write down my thoughts, document this; & ultimately... get support. I am trying so hard to stay positive; but this could turn out bad...really bad. & the blogger community is great & i hope in any way this miracle of a pregnancy takes us; I know yall will be here to support!

Here is what is going down
-waiting for the dr to call me back as I type to get my BETA done TODAY.
-ultra sound, possible progesterone shots again  to help me no miscarry like first 2 pregnancies {i only had one with kennedy}
-find out why the crap my line is so dark this early...was my last AF a fluke? or twins?
-talk about cerclage & our options
-wait for BETA results, then have follow up in 48 hrs to see if numbers are rising!

what a birthday present right?
prayers, & encouragement is needed & wanted!