When you google Mother In Laws it will turn up about a million & one results.
All ringing the tune of "monster in law"
Complaints & crazy stories.
You won't find that here.
When I thought about my marriage, I often thought about my Mother in Law.
When I got married, It wouldn't be like the movies.
I dreamed of brunches & shopping.
I would complain about my husband not picking up his socks & she would laugh.
I would call her & she would call me.
We would laugh washing dishes together after Thanksgiving.
We would be friends.
I imagined our relationship to resemble what my husbands relationship with my own family would be like. Which is much like what I explained above.
But, sometimes that isn't how it goes.
I see in the mom's groups that I am in complaining about their mother in laws.
Things I see as things to be grateful for, others dislike.
This maybe a cruel reality for some, but your mother in law may not like you.
& sometimes it not the reasons you see on movies.
This isn't for the wives or husbands that can't stand their in laws.
But the ones that are yearning, and trying so very hard.
You can try everything possible to get her to love & like you.
& it won't matter.
You can endure pain, things said about you that aren't true, listen to a false narrative about yourself being told to others.
& it won't matter.
I have always heard how parents love their children's significant other simply because their child loves them.
But, sometimes they don't.
& if that is you.
If you have cried & ached for that relationship; I want you pull up a chair. I have a few things to tell you.
The main thing is something that I still struggle with over a decade in. But, I want you to believe something right off the bat that I wish I would have way sooner:
I need to you know it's not you. At all.
You are deserving of love & respect exactly as you are. The fact that you aren't treated that way, is very unfortunate for everyone involved. For you, your spouse, if you have children & other family members that have gotten in on the meanness. Because really it's a loss of so much good they are inflicting on themselves. Even though others can make you feel it's because of you, or their feelings are you fault - you must always know it's not about you, personally. I need you to know that.
It's okay to be sad things are this way. It's a very sad thing to be going through, and a lot of the pain you are currently experiencing is not wanting to accept that this is the way things are. Because they shouldn't be and you deserve better. You deserve love & acceptance & enthusiasm from your family. & at the very least, you deserve humane treatment. & that truth really stings. It's so painful & your heart will actually try to protect you from it by skirting it and debating it or distracting from it with constant attempts to make sense of them. But the truth is, you deserve love & she or the family is incapable of giving it to you.
You must look at that fact. & that you are not going to get what you want & accept it. Feel it. Mourn that truth & know it.
The mourning is the hardest. It hurts so much.
But you, & maybe even your spouse really need to witness & accept the truth. Separate from you. You deserve better. I know your pain & it's can be unbearable sometimes. Friends may kid with you that they wish they MIL didn't like them, or wasn't around. But, your pain is real.
"but why don't they love me. why can't they see how great i am? "
Because they incapable.
No matter what you wish or try to change, they are who they are.
& it has nothing to do with you.
Like me you maybe have tried to dodge the truth, justifications & rationalizations "but maybe I can show them in a different way. But maybe if I did this. But maybe if I didn't do this. they would HAVE to like me, they would have to understand"
The best thing you can do in this loop of hurt is to step back & look at them for what they are. Accept it & know that you don't deserve it, & that is very very sad. Cry about it. Mourn it. Feel that wound in yourself so you can come back to this & choose your relationship. What it will look like, or if one exists. Because once you accept them, you stop getting hurt. You stop expecting them to be different, & instead you empower yourself to create something better. If you skip that stage what happens is, you blind yourself with hope & expectation that doesn't exist & you get crushed over & over again. "how could they be so mean? what did I do now?" They are the way they are.
So what now?
Will the relationship ever change?
Sometimes a major milestone can shift a dynamic, a birth, death, birthday can hit a big reset button on a person. But that isn't something you should rely on. For you & your spouse, if they come around one day, that will be so awesome. Leave others out of the equation. In my case, they decided to complete walk away from my husband..her son & our family. A grandchild, our daughter almost losing her life wasn't even enough. The hate was too large.
Whatever your relationship looks like now after your realizations & accepting reality.
Your job is to be loving to yourself & others.
I hope & pray you get the ending I didn't.
& I hope one day, you will be washing dishes on Thanksgiving together.
Or talk on the phone every once in awhile, & you can complain about your husbands socks.
Or maybe just be at Thanksgiving together.
Because I am here to tell you, when done lovingly & right, seeing your parent love your spouse & them love them back; is a beautiful thing I witness with husband & parents, a cherished relationship that we both will never take for granted.
