well howdy!

9:30 PM
I am here!
 You all are so lovely for all the comments, tweets & emails; I really don't know what I do to deserve such encouraging people that care about my family!
Let start with Wednesday shall we?
The day of my appt
I get there & the receptionist remembers me & we chat, & ooo & aww over kennedys pictures
{brandon stayed home with kennedy & the little girl I babysit, it would have been hard with them both there}
After we cut the chit-chat it was time for paperwork
I got asked nearly 10 xs either by mouth or paper
"# of prengnancies"
I hadn't said it outloud & each time it was like bullet
I had a the receptionist, check in ladies, nurse, ob & phlebotomist all ask me
all followed by "what are there names"
"name. I just have one Kennedy."
So right off that bat I wished Brandon had been there, as did he.
We started the ultrasound 
still no pole.
no heartbeat.
& was measuring 5w6d
just a day over what the the last US exactly a week ago was measured.
but where was a yok sac
Dr came to the conclusion that either 
a) baby stopped growing
b) baby is just a slow grower?
he took my levels again & said I would only hear back from him if something was  alarming..
& I haven't so this is GREAT news.
Also, if you didn't read before I have had NIGHTMARE OB's & really love this guy! Hopefully this is it! Cause he seemed wonderful!
Things are still really up in the air
I have been bleeding now for over 5 days
I am now nauseous....really nauseous {which is wonderful in the growth aspect}
on top of that completely weak, & the cramps are unreal
today I didnt get off the couch once, luckily both of my sessions today cancelled!
I told the Dr about my first pregnancy & with Kennedy how bad it gets 
& how i was actually on my death bed with my 1st from hyperemesis 
& close with Kennedy
I just hope it is nothing like that this time
I will not be able to care for kennedy properly & that scares me

I am trying to keep positive, tho! I have been thinking about if its another girl; how kennedy & she will be like twins! Or if its a boy how perfect that will be! 
Purchasing "big sister" shirts which by the way dont come in Kennedys size! are they trying to tell me something? haha they start at 2T! All the ones her size say "little sister"

& then all of a sudden for 2 nights straight a few days ago I have waken up in a complete panic.
Will kennedy be mad at me?
will she resent me?
can I do this?
2 babies under 2!!
how can I possibly love another baby as much Kennedy?
Obviously this is the one thing in the world I have wanted for almost a year now
but it just would hit me, & I would think of Kennedy & just sob.
I have been reassured that this is completely normal
& even had one of my amazing friends tell me "if anyone can do it, you can"
which made me cry 
yeah, yall thought I did alot of that before; ya aint seen nothin yet ;)

Anyway this post is getting longer then I wanted it to be, but I wanted to update yall & let you know we are alive :)
I will leave you with our little bean sac 

our saturday

11:13 PM
Well i found out friday my beta was...
which is good, means they are rising...a little low
no answer to my severe pain, way to painful for implantation {in my my opinon for my last 3 pregnanies}
so I have my first appt with my NEW OB wednesday!

Saturday we woke up not feeling the greatest but was asked to go to to the Johnny Appleseed fest with my good friend, & her kiddos
so I put kennedy in TWO shirts, vest & hat & headed out
it ended up actually getting pretty warm!
some highlights:
a little walking practice
rein-actors who by the way shoot of canons that made me almost pee my pants TWICE! & didnt even phase kennedy! deaf much? 
you can find abe justa walkin around
the whole reason for the fest is because johnny appleseed is buried here!
the fest is surround by the grave site of johnny apple seed
we also did a little grocery shopping!

what'd yall do?


3:21 PM
I just got off the phone with the dr.
Lets start with yesterday
I dont know if yall remember but we were going to try to go thru our family dr who totally rocks
& will even make house calls for kennedy &/or me
he is great
when the nurse called to say I was to get a ultrasound & he had decided to pass me on to a high-risk OB
I said ok but not my old OB
so i thought I was going to an actual OB office like other US's
& could confine in a OB about this tremendous pain I have been having
Well i was wrong
I went to the radiologist dept to get my ultrasound
We were just walking down the hall to room when we instantly knew this girl was a biatch
Brandon now says we should have right there just turned around
she told how pointless my ultrasound was & she wouldnt be able to see ANYTHING
as if i electively wanted this US the DR ORDERED IT
i have had my US way earlier then 4 weeks before
we are doing this for a reason, which I told her
she did first a on external US i was like umm, your not going to do a internal/trans-vaginal?
lady was on crack i swear
she continued to be rude, & brandon i swear was close to knocking her out
she asked him to leave the room
then we got down to business, she said there "was a sac but nothing in it, who knows if it will stick anyways"
after a few more blows, & jabs at my heart & ovaries , i left shaking & crying
the worst experience ever
today I got a call.. after calling twice when they were supposed to call me first thing today
I am measuring 5w 5d. My LMP was 4w 2d ago, & apparently now my levels are LOW
no fetal pole, which could be ok but with kennedy & my last 2 pregnancies we had a  pole &/or saw heartbeat
nurse said "with my history I would expect to miscarry, just go in monday to confirm your levels are dropping"
um no, your apparently on crack too i said I would go in either today or tomorrow
I am not gonna sit all weekend wondering if I am losing ANOTHER baby. sorry. not happening.
on top of that, if it continues to rise there is so much I have to do in my early stages of pregnancy to make sure everything is OK.
So she agreed for me to get another tomorrow!
We will see.
I am scared.
Kennedy at 5w 5d

wordless wednesday

9:51 AM
i already posted this but couldnt help to do it again!


9:04 AM

So heres what I am thinking {not doctor}:
A-I am further along. I could be 6 weeks, AF on the 14th of August was just heavy implantation, & my negative digital wouldnt have picked up a postive then

Here is a guideline so really it could be one, or two!

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age):
  • 3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
  • 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
  • 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
  • 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
  • 7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
  • 9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
  • 13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
  • 17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
  • 25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
  • Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml
{via: american pregnancy.org}

The nurse thought the same on both.
But I am so confused about AF in August.
We will seeee!

Ultrasound TOMORROW at 2!

my birthday weekend!{huge news}

11:10 AM
Kennedy started walking EVERYWHERE.
like could not stop her!
Sunday she wasnt as into it, would walk & crawl combo!

We went out to eat for seafood, which wasn't even good; BOO!
& I missed a dose of meds for kennedy was she was beyond cranky so I ended up not even finishing..not that i wanted too. & took her out in the car & waited for Brandon
before we went out to eat!
i got breakfast in bed
& went over to my moms
{ i again want to say that I do not share my blog on my personal FB ect, if I know you in my personal everyday life, i am not only asking.. I am begging..& pleadingthat you not share what you read here today}
I have been having alot of pain in my abdomen.. & as of the last two days gotten really swollen, I showed my mom & she has noticed it too & we were thinking it maybe another cyst..a  really big one; or a big one that has burst. There was no way I was pregnant, I stopped clomid 2 cycles ago.. & AF was here on August 13th I did test after just because i felt SO nauseous but that ended up being the flu that Brandon also go as well, it was negative {digital}/
I needed to get to the dr asap, because something just wasn't right.

well, we decided to go to walmart & pick up a test. I said i really didn't want to...there was no point..I didn't want another negative, even though we weren't even trying..

first two were during the evening of yesterday.. the second with the tiniest sample. & the last from this morning!
go on..freak out.. I AM!
god works in SUCH mysterious ways!
August was the last month to try I have a post I was going to post this week about the end of this journey.
I stopped charting..we stopped trying
we actually were looking into adoption which was part of that post.
the only people that know are Brandon, Kennedy & my parents only because I am going to need them for support if anything goes wrong, a friend & now all of you.
We are not telling anyone til 20 weeks in fear of miscarriage or early delivery due to my incompetent cervix.
But i wanted to write down my thoughts, document this; & ultimately... get support. I am trying so hard to stay positive; but this could turn out bad...really bad. & the blogger community is great & i hope in any way this miracle of a pregnancy takes us; I know yall will be here to support!

Here is what is going down
-waiting for the dr to call me back as I type to get my BETA done TODAY.
-ultra sound, possible progesterone shots again  to help me no miscarry like first 2 pregnancies {i only had one with kennedy}
-find out why the crap my line is so dark this early...was my last AF a fluke? or twins?
-talk about cerclage & our options
-wait for BETA results, then have follow up in 48 hrs to see if numbers are rising!

what a birthday present right?
prayers, & encouragement is needed & wanted!

hello fall!

1:45 PM
like i said already
I love fall, like love love it
its right below christmas on my fav time of the year
but i feel like we skipped that whole sept-oct warm but chilly weather
that is just perfect
& went straight to november
its 58 degrees outside right now!
this was my child last night
hat & coat
{which by the way was her coat from last year; & still fits! i am going to try to find another in 12 m tho}
someone ask me before but its by: cachcach 
& she was in her bundle mee
& you can see her cheeks will are really cold!
fall is making it appearance 
in the house
was supposed to look like THIS:
but: after trying to find branches, & glass; i used the glass & sticks from my center pieces from our wedding & then the pumpkins wouldn't fit down the glass so it turned out a little different! but i dont think it looks to bad, for throwing something together & not having to spend anything on it!
 i made two; one for each side of the TV

have you started decorating for fall?

labor day!

12:46 PM
Oh my oh my; i have meaning to post about the rest of our weekend after the lake, & here I am...on Wednesday
My mind has been a dis-com-bobled mess
ok so after the lake on Saturday
we had a big bash on Sunday for the hubs work
they put one this huge party with yummy food, you pay per plate & the proceeds go towards MDA
Kennedy enjoyed the day
walking around with me with just one hand! eatttting up the attention!
then we sat back & people watched
& she ate snacks
Then nana came & picked her up
& momma & daddy got to party a little
when i say party a little i mean
momma had like 2 margartias & daddy had a few beers
10 o clock rolled around & we were pooped
& our plan of partying all night for the first time in 3 years, camp with everyone & dance our butts off
was actually us going to home, wondering what kennedy was doing & sleeping by midnight :)
we capped of Monday, by being lazy
we all went to my parents in our PJS & had a BBQ!
like i said it was 60 degrees, but was perfect!
we haven't had brandon home for a day off in going on 3 weeks so it was nice :)


12:45 PM
I sit here
my windows slightly open
just enough cold chill coming thru the windows
its 67 degrees outside
I am in yoga pants & hoodie as is Kennedy
could this be the start of fall?
i hope so!

I looove fall
the decor, the candles {which are burning the scents of green apple, pumpkin spice & mulled cider right now :)}
the leaves 
i love it!

I am going to be getting out my fall stuff in a bit! 
& will post pictures of course

so in lieu of fall {or the fall like weather}
I had to share one of the halloween outfits I got for kennedy to wear for her fall pictures
I pre ordered it in July & got it a few weeks ago!
couldnt you just die?
the bow is just as adorable!

ps: had such a fun weekend! can't wait to share!
off to a BBQ at my parents!
hope your enjoying your labor day! I am loving having my husband home, thats for sure!

the lake!

8:26 PM
We just got back from the lake!
guys, i so needed this
even tho i have been lots
i needed to get away; even if it was an hour away
it was just me & buggy & one of my very good friends & her family
kennedy had SO much fun swimming & i would throw her up
lift her up & down in the water
she fell asleep for a good hour
& i got to go tubing
haha my arms STILL hurt
so out of shape
I only got a few pics cause i left my camera on a different boat :(
this is her juice drunk face! She has just gulped down half her sippy haah
& this was when i want to get a picture without the sippy, after the ones above. obv she was little ticked hahah
Hope your enjoying your weekend!

ask me anything!

4:12 PM
Well its labor day weekend!
My town is a freakin overpopulated mess
we have a HUGE car auction & car shows
& car freakin everything
I live in a small town where you have to go into town for everything
& have to go thru the square to get there
which is blocked off
making it supppperrr annoying
on top of that every car which you have a 1 in 10 chance on not getting behind a car from at least 50 years ago
goes supppppppppppppppppppper slow
i am talking like 5 MPH
& they wave at people 
& each other
& its annoying
ok end rant
since I will be spending the weekend mostly annoyed
did i mention it is 101 degrees out & two days ago in the mid to high 70s
that is also annoying. haha
I decided to bring back to good ol ask me anything post
AHHH how small is she?
So seriously ask me anything
ask your questions HERE or comment below
happy asking :)


2:37 PM
Today I blog about another ladybug
Miss Maddiebug
some of my avid readers know about her from 
this post & this post
today is maddies mommas birthday
I feel like I know her & my heart personally aches with each post about missing her baby
There is so many times when I am down about my angel babies that I think about Kellie & realize how strong she is & I can too & I didn't even get to hold mine
Kellie asked for her birthday that she wants her baby back
since we can't give that to her; even though I truly truly truly wish I could

So today, I want you to meet Maddie
& think of her & momma today