hey YOU

9:52 PM

Hey you!
I thought maybe you needed to hear this today.
Your sink is full of dishes, you look at it & think how is it possible it is already full? Wasn't it just empty.
You were just caught up on laundry & now? Baskets full. & the clean ones you had put away are thrown across your childs floor, because well I don't know why but they emptied every.single.drawer.
You cant even get started about thinking cleaning the house..again. You can actually feel it getting dirty.

You are trying to figure out dinner tonight, before your husband gets home. & you just don't want to. Where will you find the energy?

You feel like you have ran marathon by just trying to get out the door to make it to dance/soccer on time.

You are thinking to your self you just want to get to bedtime, if you can just make it to bed time.

Just make it to bedtime, you keep saying.

& now maybe you're in bed yourself. maybe you're sitting on your couch drinking wine. or maybe your hiding in the bathroom because even though you put your children to bed they are still up.
Youre wondering if you cut out for this. There is always too many dishes, another accident, and its seem like every other momma has it figured out. they seem so..together.

You are waiting for a encouraging text or call from your spouse or friend to tell you "everything is going to be okay" but your phone doesn't ring.

You want to quit. You think it doesn't matter & no one notices that sink full of dishes or that you were up to 1 AM folding those clothes & putting them back into your sleeping toddlers drawers. You feel over looked, & after sitting in your car crying, head on the steering wheel from breaking up the millionth fight in the backseat, you realized you forgot the damn redbox AGAIN . Its been 2 weeks & could have just bought the damn movie by now. You  want to throw in the towel put up that white flag. you want to scream you have had enough. 

You're thinking that you couldn't possibly do this motherhood thing anymore and that you really dont matter or make a difference and that you are never ever going to catch up on laundry.

But you happen to open your phone/tablet/laptop to this message for me to you that YOU..right now..in your chair,bed or bathroom; matter more than you understand.
You, your life, your sore voice from screaming for the millionth time to go to bed, you're ever giving, loving beautiful heart matters.

There is going to be days & weeks & sometimes longer that are just plain hard.

But you can do this, I know you can.

You can be a mom today. 
You can look at your child & tell them you love them, even if you can still remember the way they just screamed at you & threw a mega fit.  You love them unconditionally. You make them their macaroni & cheese, get out their favorite juice even if you remember & can still feel the sticky-ness on the floor from yesterday when one dumped their whole bowl on the table & the other squirted the juice all over the floor. YOU love THEM, like no one else ever will.

You think you have messed up. But look at all that you do. All the good. The sitting up with you child after a bad dream. The making the perfect lunch with all their favorites. the wiping faces, & bottoms. the reading . the folding clothes. watching them sleep. surprising them with their favorite movie after dinner. finding their favorite shirt to wear. hanging up the picture made just for YOU. the time you let them stay in the bath as long as wanted. remember when you let them finger paint? They will.

You may want to quit. But take that white flag back down. YOU are the perfect momma to those children. you CAN do this.

I believe in you. & I think you are BEST momma.
& God made you for your children. HE choose YOU for them. No one else. YOU.

Kensleys 3rd Birthday! {doc mcstuffins}

3:23 PM
To view Kensleys other birthdays click here:


as we approach 3..

10:21 AM
This morning as I sat down to my cup of coffee, I read my devotion & took a peek at Facebook, I came across this article by The New York Times & it had me reflect on so much of my little kenselys life & as we approach 3, I felt like I should talk about it a little.

Besides the rounds of IVF I pretty much could have written the article I linked above. Things she said like -- "But I’m still mentally preparing myself for the worst, running through the scenario at the doctor: the silence of the ultrasound technician when something is wrong, the stillness of the fetus, the trauma of everything suddenly being over. The knowledge that I’ll have to go through it all again." . That's how I spent the majority of really each pregnancy but more so with Kensley. She was our last our shot at what we hoped would make our family "whole". I felt like I could never really "connect" with her while I was pregnant. I was riddled with fear, as I was with each pregnancy. But, I knew in my head to never get too attached. It can be over as soon as it started. Every appt I waited for the turn of the screen, the "I am going to the send the dr in now.."  but it never came. You would think that would make you the happiest in the world, but it didn't. It just meant my anxiety carried over to the next appointment and onto the next.

Then I thought, delivery, YES that will be it. I am gonna hold her & bond & feel the way I was supposed to feel.  & then when her little self tried to come far to early, far too many time I was even more scared of the things that could come from that. Luckily we got her hanging on just 6 weeks early. It was a dramatic entrance, but still when they whisked her away to check her, there was so much fear my happiness was dwindled away. Then, I held her. I can't even type well over the apples of my check smiling so big I can barely see over them. When I first looked at her she was frowning. The biggest pouty lip I had ever saw. & that is so..Kensley.

this picture conveys all the fear in my face right then

I loved her, I loved her so much. She was so small & fragile. When we got home, whether it be the hormones or just natural new mom anxiety, it happened again. I kept thinking, this isn't real, something is going to happen. It can't be going this well. I am going to be that girl, on that blog, that something happens to her baby. I didn't feel deserving, I remember saying "maybe all of this happened to us because I wasn't supposed to be a mom after all" can you imagine? I am crying right now thinking of that place I was in. A person that being a mother literally runs thru every inch of her body, thinking that. Some where along the way thru rolled twice little pants, shirts that were dresses,  & all that hair she stole my heart. It wasn't like with Kennedy it was so different, it wasn't as easy for us. I would be nursing her & look at her after the every day colicky cries that start at 5:45 on the dot every night til 9 o clock, I would realize like I do every day that God gave me her to save me, and I was deserving of her & her sister.

She is tough this girl. She is very much the person she was before she was even in my belly. Tough, bull headed & does things on her own terms. She cries & whines probably 80% of the day. & is a dang spitting image of me. She has made me a better person & momma. I am more patience, more kind, & less scared about the person I know I am meant to be. She is who reminds me daily that God wanted me to be mom, he wouldn't have given me such a wonderful, beautiful little girl to just any one, she is too special. 

I think I will always have a little bit of what the author of that article called PTSD thru our journey of being parents, even now with Kennedy being 4. The hurt never goes away, but embracing what he has given me & be grief stricken about what he hasn't can not control my life anymore. & every day she shows me that. I hate a classic #blessed but seriously I feel like this should end with a big freaking hash tag freaking blessed! 

Happy almost Birthday my sweet Kensley! 
These have been the best 3 years of our lives!

& if you are out there struggling to get here, or riddled with anxiety like I in those months of pregnancy can I talk to you for a second? God wanted you to be a momma. I know its so hard to see that right now, but I believe he hand picks the ones its hard for. He knows he is picking the right one that will trudge thru it & feel every bit of blessed that he wants you to feel when you get that baby. He choose YOU to be a momma to THAT baby. How neat is that? I am praying for you. Hang in there.