2 years ago, yesterday Brandon & I went out to a really fancy dinner.
I couldn't finish what seemed like the best alfredo in whole world. I felt so so sick.
I came home & threw up for over 8 hours straight.
The next day, 2 years ago today; I found I was pregnant.

This is very hard for me to write, but I will be honest.
I was not happy.
I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life but the timing seemed awful.
But then, I started to love my baby.

at 12 weeks 3 days I started to miscarry.
at 12 weeks 5 day I had an D&C

I  don't think I will ever forgive myself on this day.
I will always cry, & hate myself.
I know its not true, my mind & heart tell me since I wasn't happy I lost my baby.
This is the biggest burden on my heart, & 2 years later it is just as heavy, if not heavier.
I then spiraled out of control, I left Brandon 
well we were still living together, & I became a person I wasn't proud of.
I just thought I wasn't good enough of him, after all my unhappiness "killed" our baby. 
After a few weeks, I obviously realized the way I was acting wasn't going to change the past, & asked Brandon for forgiveness.
Then, after trying & trying for a baby; I thought God was punishing me, why would he give ME another baby?
There was so many people that would be happy about being pregnant. 

I will never get over my selfishness & un-happiness & weather or not that is the reason I lost my baby.
This all may seem silly to you, but tho two years ago today; my heart is aching.