Can I be real?
I am overwhelmed.
There I said it.

This is vulnerable.
Frankly I am scared to publish this.
But I need to for me.

My senior year of High School I got tested for ADD & low & behold I had it.
Geez, that sounds like some terminal illness.
Growing up I went to several schools, in 4th grade one private school a teacher actually confronted my mother about me being "retarded".
I was far from dumb {academically} but was no means a "star student"
There was just always something that wasnt connecting, or so it seemed.
Thru the years of school everything was more difficult for me mostly because I can not remember a thing. Litterly would forget after being told minutes later, or my mind jumping to something else.
I learned my way around it. 
Getting planners, writing on my hand {which i would get in trouble for} sticky notes, alarms in my phone.
When I was officially "diagnosed" I was put on a medication that made me feel awful. I was off by the end of my senior year.

I really haven't thought about me having me ADD for the longest time. It didn't really effect me.
Until I became a Mom, or really a Stay at Home Mom &
I sat there crying wondering WHY it seemed so hard to remember things. WHY it was so hard to just  it DONE. WHY it seemed so much easier for everyone else.

Its something I have been secretly struggling with pretty badly the past few months.
I jump from one thing to the next all the time.. you know I start cleaning the living room, walk thru the kitchen to throw something away then see the dishes need done, I start doing the dishes go to give kennedy a sippy & see that the play room needs swept.. do you get where I am going with this?

Grant it, to give myself some credit I believe to a certain extent its a "mom thing"
& I have two very young children.

But I am overwhelmed.
Im feeling like a failure. 
If being a momma was a class, I would be getting a big fat F but with a big E for effort.

I broke down & told Brandon.
How lucky am I to have this guy?
It took everything in me but I said I need help right now.
If the dishes are pilling up, it not that i want to see them all; its because i need help with them. When laundry is piling up it isnt because i like to look at my clothes everyday, I need help.
Do you know how hard that was?
SO hard. I am tearing up now, thinking about that conversation.

How can someone that only wanted to be a mom their how life royally be sucking at it?

So I have to DO something about it.

It is hard having a child with ADD/ADHD but what do you do when YOU are the one that has it?

I have a very  low case of ADD. I can compete tasks but some are just harder to GET DONE.
Which was effecting my work & my momma/wife duties.

Heres a few signs of ADD

  • poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
  • tendency to procrastinate
  • trouble starting and finishing projects
  • chronic lateness
  • frequently forgetting appointments, commitments, and deadlines
  • constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills)
  • underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks
If you were to put bullet points as a "about me" most of those will be on your list. I am never late, but the rest is pretty spot on.

I refuse to take meds for this. I am not un manageable so please dont go thinking I am mental patient over here!

& while on that subject, let me also just say that many people think that ADD makes you not smart, & jumping off the walls; just overall crazy person. One word you think: Ritalin. I am here to tell you that in my case & many others is just not true.

What am I doing to "help myself"?
Write it down, whatever it is just write down! Your gonna forget.
I take a extra step & I put into a to do list app I have on my phone that will notify me {cause lets gets real, ill probably lose that piece of paper}
We are painting a chalkboard wall in the kitchen, this I will write on daily for me to see every time I pass it, which is often.
I keep a paper on my fridge that I dont live by, but helps me with tasks everyday.

Alot of things I just make harder on myself.
My house is far from a disaster {most days} but hardly Pintrest perfect.
& I want it to be somewhere in the middle.

A few things that are helping me?
Getting up BEFORE the girls. Even if its 10 mins I am amazed at what I can get done.
Do a load of laundry everyday, even if its a small load do just one from START to FINISH daily.
Put one of those The Works tablets in the back of the toilet. Spraying down the tub after the girls get out.
 I let things pile up to where it ends up just being more work on myself.

Here list I mentioned above thats on my fridge! 
I modified it from one I already found.
Feel free to pin it, & print for yourself!

I know some of these seem so "duh" but for the reminder when my mind get off track it helps SO much.

So why I am writing this? I am hoping that getting it off my chest will be a little bit of healing. Or maybe to find out if I am alone? 

This has been sitting in my drafts for weeks now, I am just now getting the courage to press "publish".
Ive learned so much from putting my thoughts to "paper". Having ADD doesnt mean I am a bad mom. Does it mean the house is probably gonna be a little messy? Yes. Does it mean I am probably gonna forget about "Hannahs" 5th birthday when the girls are in school, & they will hate me forever, cause mom how could you forget? Probably. Does it mean when they need a certain paper, its gonna take me forever to hunt down where I put it; cause i put it in that special place to help me not forget where i put it & now i don't remember where that spot is ? Most defiantly.

But that doesn't make me a bad mom. I am great, unorganized, messy,forgetful, amazing Mom.