This morning as I sat down to my cup of coffee, I read my devotion & took a peek at Facebook, I came across this article by The New York Times & it had me reflect on so much of my little kenselys life & as we approach 3, I felt like I should talk about it a little.

Besides the rounds of IVF I pretty much could have written the article I linked above. Things she said like -- "But I’m still mentally preparing myself for the worst, running through the scenario at the doctor: the silence of the ultrasound technician when something is wrong, the stillness of the fetus, the trauma of everything suddenly being over. The knowledge that I’ll have to go through it all again." . That's how I spent the majority of really each pregnancy but more so with Kensley. She was our last our shot at what we hoped would make our family "whole". I felt like I could never really "connect" with her while I was pregnant. I was riddled with fear, as I was with each pregnancy. But, I knew in my head to never get too attached. It can be over as soon as it started. Every appt I waited for the turn of the screen, the "I am going to the send the dr in now.."  but it never came. You would think that would make you the happiest in the world, but it didn't. It just meant my anxiety carried over to the next appointment and onto the next.

Then I thought, delivery, YES that will be it. I am gonna hold her & bond & feel the way I was supposed to feel.  & then when her little self tried to come far to early, far too many time I was even more scared of the things that could come from that. Luckily we got her hanging on just 6 weeks early. It was a dramatic entrance, but still when they whisked her away to check her, there was so much fear my happiness was dwindled away. Then, I held her. I can't even type well over the apples of my check smiling so big I can barely see over them. When I first looked at her she was frowning. The biggest pouty lip I had ever saw. & that is so..Kensley.

this picture conveys all the fear in my face right then

I loved her, I loved her so much. She was so small & fragile. When we got home, whether it be the hormones or just natural new mom anxiety, it happened again. I kept thinking, this isn't real, something is going to happen. It can't be going this well. I am going to be that girl, on that blog, that something happens to her baby. I didn't feel deserving, I remember saying "maybe all of this happened to us because I wasn't supposed to be a mom after all" can you imagine? I am crying right now thinking of that place I was in. A person that being a mother literally runs thru every inch of her body, thinking that. Some where along the way thru rolled twice little pants, shirts that were dresses,  & all that hair she stole my heart. It wasn't like with Kennedy it was so different, it wasn't as easy for us. I would be nursing her & look at her after the every day colicky cries that start at 5:45 on the dot every night til 9 o clock, I would realize like I do every day that God gave me her to save me, and I was deserving of her & her sister.

She is tough this girl. She is very much the person she was before she was even in my belly. Tough, bull headed & does things on her own terms. She cries & whines probably 80% of the day. & is a dang spitting image of me. She has made me a better person & momma. I am more patience, more kind, & less scared about the person I know I am meant to be. She is who reminds me daily that God wanted me to be mom, he wouldn't have given me such a wonderful, beautiful little girl to just any one, she is too special. 

I think I will always have a little bit of what the author of that article called PTSD thru our journey of being parents, even now with Kennedy being 4. The hurt never goes away, but embracing what he has given me & be grief stricken about what he hasn't can not control my life anymore. & every day she shows me that. I hate a classic #blessed but seriously I feel like this should end with a big freaking hash tag freaking blessed! 

Happy almost Birthday my sweet Kensley! 
These have been the best 3 years of our lives!

& if you are out there struggling to get here, or riddled with anxiety like I in those months of pregnancy can I talk to you for a second? God wanted you to be a momma. I know its so hard to see that right now, but I believe he hand picks the ones its hard for. He knows he is picking the right one that will trudge thru it & feel every bit of blessed that he wants you to feel when you get that baby. He choose YOU to be a momma to THAT baby. How neat is that? I am praying for you. Hang in there.