This post is long overdue. I get alot of emails & questions for updates on what exactly going on & updates with all things pregnancy & babies.
I've wanted to make this post, but keep putting off. Its hard, sad & raw. I've kinda felt like I've been in the in between & like I couldn't talk about my struggles with all of this because of what I have now. So I just haven't. I didn't want anyone struggling to come into this space & see pictures of my girls & my life with my family now & be angry or hurt, which I understand. So if that is you & have to scroll on, no worries. I hope you feel the love I have for you during your struggle no matter how much or how little we know one another.
I have alot of my readers who have been readers since before Kennedy or during my pregnancy with Kennedy. Some of you have cried happy & sad years with me. And some of you have just been wondering in the back of your head.
So here I am.
I feel like the last time we talked about this was a update on where I had been & about a recent miscarriage I had, had. It was a crazy time in my life. I remember being so sad & happy & scared & confused. It was so many emotions. I didn't have much time to figure them out before the baby was gone. & then I just didn't talk about anything pregnancy related again.
For those that are new here. Pregnancy is hard for me. First, it's harder for me to get pregnant. With time, we found out I could fairly easily get pregnant with fertility drugs. & much to our surprise we even found out I could pregnant without them! But the thing that's the hardest, & really the most important part of the whole getting pregnant thing; is staying pregnant. My body fights to get rid of the pregnancies, we fight to keep them. I get very sick. Lots of shots, Lots of meds, lots of tubes, pumps, even more ultrasounds & appointments. But we were okay with it. There was times I was scared. I was mad. I even said the pregnancy after Kensley, I didn't want to be pregnant. Which I never thought I would ever ever say. . My life was on the line, I knew sickness & hospitalization was just around the corner, & I had these precious little girls I really want to alive for. They were 2 & under 2, & I had no idea how I would care for them during the pregnancy.
That time changed me. More friends had babies, more family. My urge that I've had since a young girl came back That big family we always had wanted. I knew the risks. There was many a argument about this decision. Lots of discussion.
I know alot of you are are all ?!? " you should be so grateful for your two girls." "some people don't have any, you are so lucky" But, {& let me stop here to say if you are in the same boat as me, or with secondary infertility. Please, DO NOT let that stop you. DO not let these comments take away from the family you want. You can be grateful for the children you have & still want more children. You can still be grateful & thankful for the children you have mourn losses & growing your family.} My whole life I dreamt of being a Mom. & not just a Mom to one child. I was going to be a Mom to large family. There would chaos & at holidays arguments & ruckus. & it was going to be most glorious life I could imagine. So, yes I am so unbelievably grateful, & feel that's very apparent, to have my girls. But my longing for that family can't just be turned off.
So, I would see these stories being shared on Facebook. These miracle pregnancies. I thought, that can happen to me. Why wouldn't it? We have SO much love to give. I was a good enough Mom right? I was a good enough person. Surely, it would happen to me. So I saw doctors, specialists, holistic midwives.
But this time in private. I had to do this alone. Which meant acting like everything was fine. Sitting through dance for the girls while gushing blood & having to act like not a thing was happening.You see, the second loss.. it's sad. Third time, people are worried about you. Four times, they pity you. So as I go into 5+ I had to stop. We couldn't tell family, not even my mom who I am so close with. Because, obviously I feel like no one can love my kids more than myself & Brandon. But I tell you my mom comes pretty dang close. She loved the babies as I did, the moment I told her. & I got sick of making her sad. I got sick of the looks on peoples faces when I would have to tell them. I got sick of the pity in their eyes. & I really got sick of the "at least you have the girls". It got to the point when people were done with being invested. & I get it. Shoot, I got there too. I even lose track of numbers. I became numb, surely everyone else was too.
So time passed, eventually we had to stop. Every day I was pregnant was waiting for that doomsday. Some got far, some not so far. You can only spend so much time, money & lay on a table waiting for *turns monitor* "the doctor come finish the appointment". & mostly I was sick of everyone else doing that I literally biologically made to do & couldn't. I was broken. I got so sick of not understanding why this was happening to me.
It was and still is hard for me. I've had to mourn babies yes, but I have also had to mourn the dreams & life we had for our family. We had to alter what our family in our minds & hearts would look like. I had to stop blaming myself & stop trying to understand.
My losses have very much been apart of me. It's why I started this blog. People know me for my struggles. I have helped & continue to help women with their struggles, with advice & always a listening ear. & it makes me feel like this pain has purpose.
When I re did this blog recently, I didn't put any of this in my "about me". When I deleted my old one, I cried. I remember when I had put the first two slashes through my "miscarriage survivor" number & then I just stopped updating it. Part of it was hard deleting that & part of it was very freeing. That I could explain who I was without explaining that part of me.
I've come so far in this journey of motherhood. This journey has effected my whole life & who I am.
It has effected friendships, when baby showers & baby announcements were hard for me. It's been huge in marriage, with aside from the obvious trying to conceive woes; feeling alone & guilty. Oh the guilt. I think that maybe was the hardest for me. The guilt that I'M the reason our family can't grow. That my husband has to be sad because of ME. MY body.
Loss makes you into this thing you didn't even know you were capable or intention of being. It will harden you, yet make you soft. It tears down everything you were, & makes you into someone else. Any loss, no matter what it is. Death, Job, home, pet & in my case the loss of babies. All wished for, all prayed for, all named, all so very loved, all gone. It leaves you in shell. & you have try to rebuild into the person you once were with what is left.
That's what I am here to say. You can rebuild from those ashes. But you won't be the same, you won't be the person you once were. That was the hardest hurdle for me. I was trying to be a person, I just wasn't anymore. My fire is different now, & maybe even a little brighter & bigger. But different. I am finding a new me. & really, a new life. I've spent the better part of 8+ years spending all my time, energy, body...my entire being about making our family. If I'm being honest, I still spend time on it. I wince in pain sometimes with flashbacks to hospital rooms. I wince in pain,when seeing my husband with small children & I catch a glimpse, only for a second that he allows, of the pain in his eyes too wishing things were different. But I am getting better. The sadness isn't constant. The anger is pretty much gone. I am learning who I am again outside of all the sadness & loss. & I am starting to like her. Which is something I haven't done in a very long time.
The past 2 years I have been working on my relationship with God again. It's a work in progress. I've had hate & anger & disappointment; but I am ready to start listening, needing & watching him again.
So, that's my update for you all. It's a little all over the place. It's a little sad, but has a lot of hope. & I hope if you are going through this too, this gives you some hope. For some of those to keep going, to keep trying & for those that are ready to move on. I can't bring myself to say "give up" because I never have, & never will give up. I just needed to move on. Whichever one you find yourself hoping for, I am here for you. & for those of you that don't know which your hoping for, you are stuck between keep trying & waving the white flag, I've been there. The time will come, & you will know. I am here if you ever need help.
