my heart

**Side note: Hello to all my family & friends from home, after going back & fourth with making this blog public to family & friends I decided to take the plunge after going on almost 3 years now! This blog has been my safe haven for a long time, its been my diary, its gets very personal, very raw & somethings you may not care to read about, read at your own risk ;) ; I have nearly 200 readers, & even was featured in a magazine. I hope you all enjoy, cause frankly I cant keep up with two blogs anymore haha **

Recently I had taken the girls, & my niece who was staying with us at the time {whole post in itself} to the park! They were playing great! There is a huge pirate ship & bug hadn't seen anything like that before, it was like her own "bucky" {that was a jake & the neverland pirates reference in case you were wondering} 

Then some older girls came along, I would guess they were 7-9? My niece JJ, takes alot better to older girls then younger cause of her older sisters.

They started playing & bug was right there trying to keep up & be a big girl! Then the older one started saying "oh my gosh that baby wont leave us alone" then other one said "go away baby, guys RUN!" then they would run up to her and say " GO AWAY BABY, EWWW" then run away & repeating. I am sitting next to the mother wondering HOW she is letting her girls do this.

My Kennedy is SO extremely tender hearted. VERY much like me & her feelings can get hurt so easily. If she is being naughty, we can simply say kennedy you are being mean. & her whole world come crashing down & she puts her hands to her face & sobs. So when these little girls were doing that to her she litterly stood there heartbroken.

& in that instant, I was introduced to a all new part of motherhood. My heart broke with her. I felt exactly what she was feeling. It was like the little girls were being mean to me. I looked over at the mom one more time in hopes that she would discipline her girls. But she didn't. Finally they went under the ship, Kennedy was a few mins behind them since its harder for her to climb ect, & they said "GET AWAY BABY, NO BABIES ALOUD IN HERE". Kennedy fell to the ground bawling. & I stood up, called JJ & said "this is your cousin, you are nice to her no matter how anyone else treats her. & GIRLS, she is ONE you guys are alot bigger and should know not to be mean, she is not hurting you and just wants to play, BE NICE." & sent a dirty look over to the mom who LAUGHED.

My mind fast forwarded to school, & even *gulp* highschool. I knew hurt for my child, but I hadn't experienced just how much personal hurt I would feel seeing one of my girls being hurt by another person. It showed me a whole new side of my love for my children. But, that day made me scared for their future, at a certain point I can't control the hurt they are going to experience. That truly terrified me.

I want them to always know I am always in their corner, & no matter what the age is I will support them, back them up & will speak up & tell someone to be nice & leave my babies alone! :)

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oh motherhood.

I know I know, I was supposed to be writing alot more.

Hell im lucky if I get a post in a week.

But here it goes, one of those posts. 

You know the let it all out posts.

Ive been up to my ears in being a mom. Shits tough. I knew it was, of course.

But that moment, when you in the grocery, & "that kid" you can hear in the automotive section coming from the grocery section, that is arching her back screaming throwing a fit is YOUR kid. Its like a big momma smack in the face.

Let me first by saying I KNOW im a good mom, I do.

But tell me, when I know I was meant to do all this, does moments like said event can make you doubt yourself?

Because I did pray for this. I have two babies laughing, yelling & crying; & that means I have two beautiful girls & they are happy. I have a messy house, & that means I have a beautiful warm harm. My husband is constantly working & there is ALWAYS dishes in the sink, & that means he has a job & we have food to eat.

There is nights I have too many glasses of wine to drink because the baby is teething & its been 2...no 3 hours of straight crying; kennedy just go out the box of cereal its all over the floor, the dog peed on the floor, the phone is ringing & damn it all i want is a shower for the first time in a week. & heres the thing; a thing I just learned"

All that, everything I just said; I thought I couldn't say; how dare i complain after it took so long to have these babies, how dare i complain about my crazy life when so many are struggling are trying to have babies themselves; that I myself just 3 years ago would have died for. But I CAN.

Just because I had a bad day/week/month doesnt mean I dont appreciate  love, adore &am any less grateful for these little humans.

& as if AP couldn't get any more amazeballs she wrote another post today {if you arent following her go ahead & do youself a favor & do so, the next 29 days are gonna be amazing on her blog} she said what I have needed to hear the last few weeks: "your doing OK, your going to be OK, your the greatest mother to your child..even if you raise your voice.."

I feel like infertility  has given me such a complex that I can't have those days when my cheeks are tear stained, Im waving that "motherhood white flag" & I can't get wine in my glass fast enough; but no matter how you get your babies here, your a momma & your allowed to have bad days.  Because:

Its ok.

Your doing great.

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Show & Tell!

1. Tell us your favorite baby names? Aside from your own babies, if you have some :)

Well my babies names of course Kennedy, Kensley; love Madelyn! If we were to have had a boy our boy names were Maddox & Carter! I also love the names Lennon & Lennox!

2. Show me your "dream" nursery {can be your baby's nursery or one that you love}

I really loved Kennedys {now its a toddler bed, soon big girl room!}! Kensleys isnt even done....OPPS!

Honestly there are so many that I love I couldnt narrow it down! Here is Kennedys:

3. How many children would you like to have? How far apart?

Oh I would love to have 5! But you take what the lord hands you & he handed us two beautiful little girls!! They are  16 months apart!!

4. Tell us what you think the importance of parenting is?

Oh geez. What isnt really? Each day I am learning something different that I want to instill in my girls. I am learning new way of doing things, & in general im just learning; I am just 22 months into this momma thing. But really I just want to teach them to be the BEST they can be. Be people they can be proud of. I really think your children reflect parents & they are the best part of me. I hope to teach them good morals, manners,to stand up for what they believe in & to be a ladies!

5. Show us your favorite newborn photo {can be your children or random} 

Kennedy:

Kensley:

6.  Tell us some things you promise to never do as a parent {and if you are a parent, did you stick to it}

Hahah so many!

1st: no TV til 2, We did the first year with none, but now? with 2 under 2; we are big time toy story fans over here!  So guilty. 

PJs to the grocery? Now im only guilty of this once & they were super cute jammies with matching slippers. But I used to HATE seeing kids in jammies at walmart. Grant it in our town that was usually a too small tshirt no shoes with a full diaper on, but still. & hey she had a matching bow, that makes it ok right? ;)

I know growing up there is so much I would use the infamous "I am never going to do this to my kids" & somethings I wont, but for the most part? I loved the way my parents did things & I WILL be doing alot of the same things! Just dont tell my mom I said that ;)

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labor day weekend

This past weekend we had daddy home for THREE straight days, we haven't had that since Kensley was born & before that? probally since Christmas! It was needed for me & the girls!

On Friday I had my Matilda Jane Trunk Show! It was lots of fun & alot better success then I thought it would thanks to lovely ladies I have met on the boards & on IG!

Theres a local car auction that goes on every year that gets pretty big, lots of fun stuff to do & we always love going to the auction looking around & going over to the swap meet, i love love love finding vintage finds! I found the cutest blue granite blue tub for a photography prop, $3!!

So Saturday we woke up early, got a quick muffin with our best friends to see DOC HUDSON. {from cars}

& headed over to "meet" doc

Then we were off to the auction...

The girls spent alot of time doing this..

& we just walked around look at lots of cars!

Then kennedy woke up & was intoxicated by the helicopter that was giving rides!

As they would come to land she would get SO excitied, it was also VERY loud; tho she was way into it she still helf on to me not wander to far off from my leg. Just watching with the biggest doe eyes. I love that she is gaining such independence but still not too much that she still finds comfort in me.

We braked for tantrums, & big trucks!

 I dont think this will ever get old...

Sunday & today {Monday}

We went new mailbox shopping, which was surprising more challenging then i expected!

& finally crossed "plant flowers" off our summer bucket list.

Im craving fall so bad I was so excited to get mums!

Overall a great long weekend, we are sad to give daddy back to daily hussle & bussle! But glad we had the time we did with him!

Back to our routine, which mean I got to get to bed for Toddler Tuesdays in the morning!

What did ya'll do on you long weekend?

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We are alive! - What we've been up to!

I *think* maybe we kinda sorta on a schedule now so I can get back to blogging.

maybe not quite as much but I will certainly try!

Whats been going on with us?

this little girl is FOUR yes FOUR months old!

I can't believe it!

We had a wellness check on Monday & she was 13lbs! she is SO tall, 87% on height & 42% for weight! She is blowing me away everyday with how awesome she is!

She started to army crawl & started sitting right before she turned 3 months! For being early she is SO ahead.

Kennedy is almost TWO!

We are going thru a tantrum stage, its testing me to say the least. It has gotten better; but for awhile I was seriously afraid to go in public with her.

Its been SUCH a adjustment for her. Going from having me full time, to now sharing me with this little baby that was thrown into her life. There was to no way to prepare her as she was so young & it hit her really hard. With adjustment to Kensley, 4 teeth STILL coming in the & infamous "terrible twos" I have had my hands full!

This whole two under thing?

I am getting the hang of it. I keep waiting for it to get "easy". But I dont think it ever will. It has gotten easier. & to be honest I dont want it to, I worked so hard to have to these little people in my life, why would I think it would be any different having them with me in my arms.

They are always teaching me something new. Teaching me patience, self control, boundless love & to enjoy the small things in life.

I thought I reallly knew who I was before; but they changed that.

I now know more then ever I was put on this earth to be a momma, & more importantly THEIR momma.

Every night I go to bed thanking GOD for them, & thinking to myself "it can't get any better"

& most nights after a really trying day I thinking can I do this? can I handle this ? 

They do it for me all over again making more grateful & thankful for them then the day before. I love them a little bit more each day, after thinking there is no way I can possibly love them more!

Im pretty excited to be back blogging, having a little "me time" doing what I love {writing} & hopefully your reader will brush off the dust from my name & you all havent forgotten about us!

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